Hols of fame

Inspired by The Diary, news-singing Daily Reckless editor Tommy Mackay has recorded a ditty following the revelation that Lovely Eggs chanteuse Holly Ross used to holiday in Dalkeith. Altogether now, to the tune of the Sex Pistols’ Holidays in the Sun: “I wanna holiday in Dalkeith/I wanna go on a day out to Leith/I'm going to Costa Midlothian/And cover my parka in sun lotion.” He adds by way of detail: “They’ve got a palace and a country park/You can dance to the traffic lights after dark.”

The living dead

Our recent item about dead people “spinning in their graves if they were alive today” prompts Stirling reader Neil Malcolm to look out his old recording of the late William McCulloch’s monologue as Mrs Montgomerie (owner of the Wee Shop): “Awful sorry fur tae hear aboot pair Polly McWheechle. Went tae her bed last nicht, just as usual, and when she woke up this morning she was deid.” The well-informed wifie added: “Ah'm awful sorry fur her mither. She'll be pitten oot aboot it. Aye, an’ this is hur washin’ day.”

Pencilled out

Robert Gardner writes: “I own a pencil that used to owned by William Shakespeare. But he chewed it a lot, and now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.” Any more of that, Robert, and you’ll be Bard from the Diary.

What goes down

Our musings about equipment dropped from scaffolding reminded Russell Martin of his days as an engineering apprentice on the engine erecting squad in Barclay Curle’s marine works circa 1960.

The engine extended up four platforms, and accidental dropping of hammers and heavy spanners from above wasn’t uncommon. A dropped object’s downward trajectory could be traced by metallic clangs – followed by pointed shouts upwards. “It was when there were no clanging noises and no shouting that one worried what the dropped spanner or hammer might have done.”

Russell adds: “There were of course no hard hats in those days – apart from the managers’ reputedly reinforced bowler hats.”

Fine art

Following Sue Forsyth’s tale of an over-refreshed audience member at a James Taylor concert declaring loudly that she too was an “artist”, Jim Gordon writes: “I strongly suspect she was a ‘government artist’ – someone who draw the dole!”

Sunday’s best

Irvine reader Brian Donohoe writes: “Your article about crisps reminds me of finding out Lent was actually 46 days long. But the local priest said you don’t count Sundays. So, you can eat and drink what you want on the six Sundays then?” Not sure that’s how it works, mate.

Banger to rights

Reader Neil Dunn recalls when his late lawyer brother, Willie, was defending a Lewis local on a charge of dangerous driving. A witness, asked what speed he thought Willie’s client had been doing, said he’d come round a notorious bend like a “whirling dervish”. Said the visiting sheriff: “And I thought they came from the Sudan!” Reminds us of the islander who was showing a US visitor round his wee croft. “Why,” said the unimpressed Yank, “back home it takes me an hour to drive round my ranch.”

“Aye,” said the crofter sympathetically. “I used tae have a car like that.”