Freezing his Urals off

Big place, Russia, with many climates. While Steve Wilson,BBC commentator for the Portugal v Spain World Cup match in Sochi, complained about the heat by the Black Sea, earlier in the day Jonathan Pearce, commentating on Egypt v Uruguay in Yekaterinburg, moaned: “It’s really cold. It’s like a late September evening.” Scottish people politely: “As cold as that, eh? Brrr.” Scottish people sotto voce: “Jessie.”

A wake for England

Meanwhile, it’s reported that England’s players have been struggling to sleep at their base in Repino because of the long daylight hours. The rooms have been fitted with blackout blinds but, still, the boys can’t sleep. To be honest, your Diarist couldn’t sleep the night before playing in the Inspectors Cup for Leith Walk Primary School, so we’re guessing nerves must come into it. All the same, it sounds like something should be done to help the players. Why not dose them heavily with sedatives for the tournament’s duration?

If only …

Lot of fun on that internet after a newspaper published the teams in Group A in order as Russia, Uruguay, Egypt and … Hibernian. Clearly, some kind of mistake. Hibs would never be at the bottom of the group.

Some like it hot

Our tales of workies’ lunches reminds Beith reader George Dale that building workers liked nothing better than a Greggs sausage roll – but really preferred to have it hot. Trouble was, by the time they got them back to the site they’d be cold. However, the lads had a solution: “We had a frowned-upon power supply run in to our site container and used a cheap and nasty sandwich toaster, which turned them into lovely triangular tea sandwiches. Luvvly jubbly!” Triangular Greggs sausage roll sections: we can see that catching on in Kelvinside.

Giant smalls incinerated

Strange goings on in the Czech Republic where President Milos Zeman has set fire to a giant pair of red underpants. The eccentric 73-year-old assembled reporters to watch what was reported as a “bizarre event”, made more bizarre by the President’s failure to explain its purpose. Radio Praha suggested it was a protest against “dirty laundry” in politics. However, an artists’ group had previously flown giant pants over the presidential palace as a protest, so, perhaps it was a gesture of revenge. Say what you like about Scottish politics, but it’s difficult to imagine wee Nicky Sturgeon assembling the press outside Holyrood and announcing: “I am now going to set fire to a giant pair of pants. I don’t know why.”

Down and Dirty

Sad news about the death of actor Leslie Grantham, who played Dirty Den in EastEnders. Leslie always maintained a sense of humour, even when he was a bit down in the dumps after losing his gig on the soap. “I may want to throw myself under a train,” he lamented with a twinkle in his eye, “but knowing my luck it will be a bus replacement service.”

Fustian Pact

Food matters and, inspired into desperate guesswork by a Sunday Herald crossword clue, Cumbernauld reader Moira Love hazarded that, in some parts of Scotland, an oatmeal pancake was a “Fusty Jock”. As if that weren’t bad enough, the actual answer was “Festy cock”. You can get a cream for that nowadays.

Ken Smith is away.