A bit pants

THE fire at the School of Art is incredibly sad, but thank you to Glasgow crime novelist Denise Mina for cheering us up with a story about the nearby ABC venue on Sauchiehall Street which was also engulfed that night. Denise recalled: "My pal fell down the ABC stairs when she wasn’t wearing knickers. Her skirt rode up and she was so embarrassed that she pretended to be unconscious. A crowd gathered. Someone called 999. The ambulance crew must have been very angry. Where will chaotic, knickerless drunks go now?"

Soap opera

NO, it's not an old gag, we prefer the term classic. Anyway, we asked about telling folk what you do for a living, and Barry McGirr tells us: "I remember northern comedian Mick Miller told the tale that he was stacking supermarket shelves with soap powder as a youth when a girl he’d dated passed him and hissed, 'You told me you were in the Red Arrows!' 'No I didn’t' was his terse reply, 'I said I was in the Aerial display team'."

Trumped

WE still struggle to make sense of what's happening in American politics just now. Mark explains: "People say Trump has no understanding of what it's like to be separated from what you love the most, but they forget how many times he's been bankrupt."

In the bag

A GLASGOW reader was in a Maryhill supermarket when he heard the customer in front being asked: "How many bags would you like?" Our reader liked the old fella's reply of: "No idea. Why don't we put the messages in bags until we have no messages left and that's the number of bags."

Not bitter

YES, the World Cup is still going strong. Our old chum Stephen O'Neill, now living in Bali, recalls: "Watching the World Cup reminds me when a group of us watched the infamous 1978 World Cup in Argentina. One of the pitch-side advertising hoardings was advertising 'Cafe do Brasil'. Halfway through the first half one of my pals turned round to the rest of us and piped up, 'That must be some size of cafe if they can afford to advertise at the World Cup'."

Smashed it

AND turning to the finals in Russia, occasionally the English commentators have a sense of humour. During the Russia Egypt game in St Petersburg, Jonathan Pearce mused: "D'you know what it reminds me of, this stadium? Remember the advert for Smash? There were sort of aliens and they had a spaceship, which looks like this stadium." Immediately he was slapped down by co-commentator Danny Murphy who remarked: "I vaguely do. But even though I look old, I don't think I am as old as you."

The last straw

LOOKING ahead to the next England game, Jim Davis muses: "I bear no malice to England's Harry Kane. But I pray to the Higher Power that he doesn't score three on Sunday against Panama. I can see the hysterical headlines now - Harry's Panama Hat Trick."

All ears

A GLASGOW reader swears he heard a chap in his local tell his pals: "The wife was yelling at me the other day, 'You weren't even listening there, were you?' And I thought to myself, 'That's a really weird way to start a conversation."

Man in black

OH dear, just back from a holiday and immediately a colleague tracked me down. He cornered me to tell me his words of wisdom: "Just a tip for mourners. Cheer yourself up the next time you go to a funeral by simply hiding a £20 note in the back pocket of your black suit."