Hard to swallow

SAD to hear of the death of former Morton chairman Douglas Rae who kept the club going for decades. His old chum Arthur Montford was also a director of the club, and Douglas once told us of going by train with Arthur to a game in Berwick and asking the young lad pushing the refreshment trolley for a sandwich. The chap said he had only one left, and couldn't give them it as it was past its sell-by date. When they asked how far past the date it was, he replied: "Ten minutes."

It turned out that the sandwiches he carried were only stocked for four hours and as it was four hours and 10 minutes since he brought them on board then he couldn't sell it - no matter how much they protested.

"Things can only get better,'' said a hungry chairman. They didn't. Morton lost two-nil. ''We'll bring our own piece next time,'' Douglas muttered to Arthur afterwards.

Small minded

OUR story about midges remind Roddy Young of staying at a lodge in Dalavich, Argyll and Bute last summer when he had a look in the guest book. Someone had written: "We all had a good stay. Very enjoyable. Except for midgets!" Rowdy felt that seemed a bit harsh.

Grassed up

GROWING old continued. A Lenzie reader tells us: "I'm now at an age where I had an early night - and realised it was so early that I could still hear a neighbour mowing their lawn."

Oh no

WE are really trying to be magnanimous about England's results so far in the World Cup but the gushing triumphalism of the commentators is hard to take. So we pass on the observation of the late John Lennon's wife Yoko Ono who declared on social media: "Who will win the World Cup? A child who believes in a peaceful world." We highly recommend you pass on her observation to the next England supporter.

And Sarah Simmer observed: "If you think asking a Scottish person, 'How are Scotland doing in the World Cup' will shake them in any way you have fundamentally misunderstood the collective character of Scottish people, who have long ago transcended any hopes of ‘victory’ in any aspect of life. We’re past that."

Locked up

ENGLAND of course beat footballing minnows Panama, and reader James Thomson in Jordanhill tells us: "It reminded me of overhearing a man on Buchanan Street on his phone the day the World Cup group draw happened. Clearly he had just heard England’s group. All I heard was, 'Panama? Flipping Panama! Who else did they get? Suez and The Crinan?'"

Tone it down

MEANWHILE in the commentating studios, female pundits have been given a lot more air-time. The Herald reported that former Chelsea footballer turned radio presenter Jason Cundy has been branded a "sexist pig" for objecting to women football commentators because their voices are too "high pitched". Says Sam Whyte: "Jason would've been horrified if he'd ever heard Alan Ball speak."

Colourful saying

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from an Ayr reader who emails: "I found out I was colour blind yesterday.

"To be honest, it came totally out of the green."

Tongue tied

FANTASTIC weather, but the heat can make folk a bit fractious. A reader in the Buchanan Galleries in Glasgow yesterday heard a couple verbally snapping at each other while they walked in front of him until the woman eventually snapped: "I'm too tired to argue. Carry on without me."