Songs of craze

If England go out of the World Cup tonight [WED] some of their fans’ songs will be missed. BBC online provided a handy guide. This one, for example, is to September by Earth, Wind & Fire: Whoa-eh-oh, England are in Russia/Whoa-eh-oh, drinking all your vodka/Whoa-eh-oh, England’s going all the way! And this is adapted from Billy Ray Cyrus’s Achy Breaky Heart: Don’t take me home/Please don’t take me home/I just wanna go to work/I wanna stay here and drink all your beer/Please don’t, please don’t take me home! And, with surprising political incorrectness for footie fans, Saturday’s game allowed an outing of an old favourite about Sweden: You’re s*** – but your birds are fit!

Trophy punter

Talking of the footer, in view of recent dramatic developments at Westminster, reader Simon Pegg (“the other one”) muses: “By Sunday, England may be coming with a trophy – and no Cabinet.”

Sponge is a wash-out

Reader Sandy Tuckerman detected a fundamental design flaw in a sponge bought from Tesco’s car accessories section: “Smart wash sponge. For all surfaces. For use with water and car wash liquid.” Sounds good, until it adds: “Not suitable for car paintwork.” Says Sandy: “Just as well I’m conserving water and not washing the car.”

Bottom line

Renaming the beleaguered East Coast line to LNER will be “the only change you’ll notice”, according to rail company bosses, prompting Dalbeattie reader Darrell Desbrow to muse: “Is that a promise or a threat?”

Ooh, Gladys!

Jean Park’s story of the Dave Clark Five 1960s hit Glad All Over being taken off the jukebox – because patrons joined in too noisily with the thump-thump chorus – sparked readers’ reminiscences. David Brown recalls: “I used to go to Crossmyloof Ice Rink after school and, when that number came on, the ice emptied and everyone sat round the perimeter barrier, thumping the back of their skates into the woodwork at the appropriate time.”

Meanwhile, John Robertson recalls schoolboy humour when the chorus became “I’m feelin’ Gladys all over.”

Diddy really?

At the Hollywood Hard Rock Cafe (impressive!), Diary reader Fraser Kelly spotted a gushing publicity poster for Sean Combs, which noted the apparently multi-talented rapper’s various stage-names. To wit: “Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy or just plain Diddy.” Wondering if this was penned by a Glaswegian music critic, Fraser discerns “a rap artist (silent c) who at least matches his name to his talent – like The Dooleys did so long ago (allegedly).”

Vowel play

Last week’s special Cabinet meeting at Chequers to discuss Brexit featured a pointedly “patriotic” dinner menu that included “Oxfordshire beef fillet” and “English custard”. However, Prestwick reader Alisdair W. R. Cochrane was unimpressed with the starter of “Whiskey-and-treacle-cured Scottish salmon, smoked over whiskey barrel chips”. Noticing the extra “e” in “whiskey”, he muses: “Unless of course it was whiskey to help solve the Irish border question.”

We’re reminded of the menu conjured up by TV’s Have I Got News For You for the meeting between Theresa May and Jean-Claude Juncker last year, in which the (re)mains included Cold Shoulder, Pig’s Ear, and Egg on Face, followed by Hard Cheese, Sour Grapes, and Tough Cookies.

Ken Smith is away.