MICHELLE Obama came to Scotland this week and the visit of the former First Lady offered VisitScotland a first class chance to suggest the sights she should have taken in.
Were their suggestions on the money, or were they constrained by a need to ignore the more colourful parts of our nation?
Visit The Kelpies: Now, it makes sense while in Scotland to stare in wonder at artist Andy Scott’s creations but when it comes to mythical creatures surely the best place to search for them is the National Football Museum at Hampden?
There you can read about our once successful footballers who vanished mysteriously in 1998 never to be seen again. The museum also allows visitors the chance to write suggestions on how to find these wondrous, lost creatures.
And while on the subject of mythical worlds, STV’s Pacific Quay HQ could be a great place to start, once the home of great Scottish drama. But since Taggart died off (mysteriously, since no explanation was ever given) the drama genre has never again appeared.
Sampling Sea Food in Oban: Not really necessary because the country is alive with Sturgeon. In fact we’re force-fed Sturgeon. But we have to wonder if, like Omega 3 and fish oil, it actually does us any good?
And we don’t have to travel up the West Coast to enjoy seafood. Our nation, thankfully, has a chippy on every corner, serving up fish suppers and refreshing Irn Bru, helping us challenge for First Place in the World Obesity League.
The Fringe: Indeed a great place to visit, an incredible battlefield re-enactment site, which reminds of Culloden.
Each year thousands of the English attack us, not with blunderbusses and pointy swords but with fliers and soundbites, advertising their hopeful, but almost always self-indulgent performances. Most of us end up battered into submission, handing over a tenner, and retreating back to Glasgow vowing never to return. Until the following week.
Taking in the Beauty of the West Coast: Yes, the likes of Arisaig, and Mallaig are breathtaking, but so is the purple vape smoke you encounter in Saltcoats, or Ayr, and isn’t it wondrous to have the senses assaulted by the whiff of vinegar, while listening to the gentle purr of the mobility scooter?
But if it’s truly magnificent air you’re after, why not take a trip across to Holyrood and breathe in the heady smell of smugness, or taste the complacency of a Parliament which ignores our tragic education figures, or the reality the country is headed for the financial grubber.
Hiking In Glencoe: Yes, Drumnadrochit and the snow-capped mountains are all well and good, but for a real sense of Scottishness come back down to Glasgow’s Merchant City, which Michelle will love because it’s a monument to Scotland’s amazing connection with slavery. And she’s only be a mile away from the site of the tenement slums into which the council once packed its Irish immigrants. On a related matter, it’s a shame the former FL missed out on the Orange Walk, although the vivid colour on display may have reminded her of President Trump’s make up.
Michelle Obama, however, may well wish to visit Loch Ness in the hope of catching sight of a monster. But why take the chance? Why not visit some of our quango buildings, such as Sottish Enterprise, to watch the monster egos bloated by monstrous salaries at work. Or Creative Scotland, which many artists would claim to be monstrously incapable of making the right decisions.
Awe Inspiring Attractions: Gosh, there are so many, but why not luxuriate in the legacy of Charles Rennie Mackintosh? House For An Art Lover has to be seen but what of Glasgow School of Art? Mrs O could visit the site of the building, a remarkable testimony to a man’s genius, and indeed the city’s genius.
Someone could explain that the Art School was a beautiful building but Glasgow let it burn down. And it built it back up better than ever. And let it burn down again. Now, we are set to build it back up better than better. And then ...
Enjoying a Dram in Malt Whisky Country: Speyside is indeed wonderful, but why not really discover how Scots can drink? Take in Edinburgh’s North Leith, or Glasgow’s Milton and sample examples of why we have the worst alcohol dependency rate in Western Europe.
Scotland, we can say to visiting Americans, is also dynamic, as anyone who’s witnessed an Old Firm encounter will testify. And our country represents an incredible kaleidoscope of social groupings through which the tourist can view the delightful money-thick Morningside – to the ugliness of Maryhill’s long term unemployment.
Just see how the ankle-grabbing, scrawny-fingered hand of hopelessness reaches out from the housing scheme doorways.
But what we love almost as much as tourism press releases is our sense of denial. So let’s continue to sell Brigadoon Scotland to the world. And hope that the money raised goes to something useful.
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