Dream on

A BEARSDEN reader tells us about married life: "I woke up the other day and told my wife that I'd had a vivid dream in which she was arguing vehemently with me. So she then told me that I had probably done something stupid to provoke the argument. And I found myself apologising to my wife for an argument which didn't actually take place."

Oh Joy

OUR fingers are crossed that a rescue deal can still be found for House of Fraser after the latest takeover bid fell through. We still remember a Lanarkshire reader telling us that when he dated his future wife he had gone into Fraser's to buy her a present. He was eyeing up the perfume named Joy, but as it was expensive he asked the glamorous assistant: ''Is this perfume good?''

''Good?'' she replied. ''Tell Madam not to wear it if she is only bluffing.''

Captive audience

NOT all the performers at the Edinburgh Fringe are stand-up comedians - there is still a fair amount of theatre as well. Alan Harris, writer of the comedy play Sugar Baby about loan sharks and drug dealers tells us: "I loosely based a character on a local crook who stole doors for a living and who ran a drugs cooperative in Pontypridd. I assumed he was safely in prison when the show first previewed in Cardiff but during the third performance he was in the audience. He sat directly opposite me and, afterwards made a bee-line for me. I was ready with all the, 'This is definitely not based on you, don't kick the living daylights out of me' talk but I didn't have to explain as he just wanted to say how much he liked it."

Bit of a trial

WE hear from an Aberdeen reader about a work colleague who was called up for jury duty but spent the whole morning sitting around before being told he wasn't needed. He went back to his office in a foul mood where he was nicknamed One Angry Man for the rest of the day.

What a trooper

DON'T often have Star Wars news in the Diary, but showbiz writers are saying that the next film in the series could feature Grand Admiral Thrawn, possibly played by Richard E. Grant. We can't helping thinking that Grand Admiral Thrawn has some Scottish roots, and that perhaps Stormtrooper Scunnered will also make an appearance.

Icing on the cake

WE mentioned what a decent chap Sir Alex Fergusson, the former Presiding Officer of the Scottish Parliament who has just died, was. Our old chum Martin Laing tells us: "An abiding memory was during my time as editor of the Galloway Gazette when he was a Galloway MSP. He came to the office one day but during our conversation appeared distracted and was giving me strange looks. It was only hours later when I went for a pint that a guy in the pub asked me why I had green glitter all over my face that the penny dropped. I had been eating cup cakes topped with green icing just before Sir Alex arrived and had smeared glittering icing all over my coupon. But, gentleman that he was, he never mentioned it."

Going through hoops

AN observation some may identify with as Elizabeth Hackett says: "My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. 'That will be you and me one day,' I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can't cancel."

Gulp

A GLASGOW reader heard a toper in his local pub announce to his pals: "In alcohol's defence, I've done some pretty stupid things while completely sober, too."