Top this

IT SEEMS some folk in Glasgow were annoyed about the streets being closed off for the women's cycling race on Sunday. We liked the stout defence of the race by cycling fan Neil Macdougall who declared: "Two?????????????? ??????eejits behind us on Argyle Street moaning the European Championships Women's Road Race is a 'total disruption to life'.

"Heaven forbid you can't waddle to Primark as fast as you'd like for a £3 top."

Seeing red

WE turn to the businessman's bible, the Financial Times, for an interview with oil company billionaire Ian Taylor who put money into Harris Tweed. We liked his colourful recall of a meeting with former Scottish Labour MP Brian Wilson. Explained the FT: "He rescued Harris Tweed following a request from Brian Wilson, then a Labour minister, whom he met on a trade mission to Cuba. 'We both sat up with Fidel Castro until 4am, drinking the last two bottles of 1956 Bordeaux donated by former French president François Mitterrand', said Ian."

Long-time Diary fans will recall that Brian returned from Cuba with a bottle of Cuban whisky which the Diary took to a Glasgow pub to try out. "More like Castro GTX," said a rather clever toper.

What a scream

SOMEHOW we slithered into tales of flat infestations, and Stuart Miller in Linlithgow recalls: "In a west end flat in the seventies we lived above a kebab restaurant which sent cockroaches up the pipes. When the Rentokill man came he asked me to capture a few at night so he could asses the problem. A few weeks later my brother-in-law came across my matchbox with a cockroach, so jokingly, put it in his wife's coffee. As it eventually floated to the surface, she screamed in horror, but he laughingly assured her it was just a plastic fake. 'Er not exactly' I told him. Cue more screaming."

Crumbs

NOT a good start for Partick Thistle in their first season in the Scottish Championship, losing two-nil to Ayr. To explain the unseen consequences of the result, history graduate and Thistle fan Amy Maxwell declares: "Partick Thistle game earlier has resulted in me polishing off a share-sized bag of Doritos to myself. They need to improve or I will have no jeans left that fit me come the international break."

We'll be brief

WE may have been a bit harsh on Coatbridge recently. However a visitor to the Lanarkshire town doesn't help by telling us: "I arrived in the town centre where there is a large board stating "Welcome to Coatbridge" and below it were advertisements for local businesses. The first large advert below the welcome sign states: "Need a solicitor?"

Put the boot in

FALKIRK playwright Alan Bissett is back at the Edinburgh Fringe with The Moira Monologues about his comic creation Moira Bell "the hardest woman in Falkirk". Says Alan: "It isn't a drag act, but part of my costume is a pair of leather, knee-high boots. On a recent tour of Ayrshire, a 'wardrobe malfunction' meant that I couldn't get the zip down on one of the boots. I hobbled out to the ladies of the front row, who I reckoned had a bit more experience with zipped boots, to ask for their assistance in getting the damn thing off. Ten minutes later there were five women crouched round offering different advice, including cutting bits of the boot away, employing vaseline, or using a toothpick to try and jemmy the zipper out. The rest of the audience sat watching this bonus entertainment, more amused than they had been during the actual show."