Put the Matt out

OUR tale about the late Glasgow folk singer Matt McGinn reminds a reader of when Matt years ago was appearing at a charity folk concert with the then young Billy Connolly. Billy had to call off at the last minute and the organisers asked Matt if he could go on stage and let the audience know. He duly did with the line: "Ladies and gentlemen, the guest of honour tonight, Billy Connolly, needs nae introduction - as the bastard didnae turn up.''

If shoe fits

A GLASGOW reader passes on an observation he heard from the young woman in front of him at the Central Station taxi queue late at night who was telling her friend: "So if Cinderella loses her shoe at midnight it's all, 'Aw, lovely, she's going to meet her prince' but if ah dae it all I get is 'Courtney yer drunk again you stupid cow'."

Yanking his chain

WE asked for your embarrassing moments, and John Crawford in Lytham recalls the late Harry Barnett, Provost of Saltcoats, being late for a stint on the bench at the burgh court. Says John: "Not being a car owner he flagged down a passing council dustcart and asked them to take him to the Town Hall. As he jumped down, his chain of office caught on the door handle and the coats of arms came off and rolled under the truck. He was down on his hands and knees reaching for the gong when he was suddenly aware of ‘being watched.’ There was a line of miscreants outside the hall, keenly staring at the man who was to decide their fate.

"Once inside, those who managed to keep a straight face were admonished."

Wailer

HARD to understand Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn's cryptic explanation of whether he did or did not lay a wreath. As David Llewellyn explains: "If Jeremy sang Bob Marley's I Shot the Sheriff the words would be, 'I shot the Sheriff, but while I was present when the Deputy was also shot, I don’t think I actually took part in it'."

Pantomime

AND the argument over whether comedian Jack Whitehall should do the voiceover of a gay man in a Disney film has concerned reader John Dunlop who says: "If only gay men can play gay men, then I don’t fancy the casting director’s job at this year’s panto when he has to cast his two ugly sisters."

Hard hitting

THANKFULLY no one was seriously injured when the car was driven into the safety barriers outside the Houses of Parliament yesterday. A reader phones to tell us: "A car crash outside makes a change from the car crash that's happening inside the parliament these days."

Bear with us

WE need to take our minds off the news, so reader Margaret Forbes from Kilmalcolm tries to help by sending us a random tale: "A baby koala climbs to the top of a tree, spreads his arms wide and launches himself into the air. He falls flat on the ground. He picks himself up, climbs back up, and does it again, falling flat. Two birds sitting on a neighbouring tree watch him with one remarking, 'Do you not think we should tell him he is adopted?'"

Thanks Margaret.

Switched on

"HERE'S something for your Diary," bawls a colleague we've not seen for a while. "How many BBC Breakfast presenters does it take to change a lightbulb?"

And then answers: "Find out this and more, after the news, travel and weather where you are."