A MAN so seemingly sensitive to innuendo that the shape of matchsticks could make his nostrils flare, Kenneth Williams was actually a bit highbrow when not playing up to his public persona – and would certainly have frowned distainfully upon cheap phallic cliché. Too vulgar, even for a Carry On star.

But I’m not Kenneth Williams, and remain convinced that we have the  psychosexual inadequacies of Nasa's rocket engineers to thank for the moon landings and sat nav. Is it possible that I'm completely wrong and simply projecting subconscious Freudian static onto inanimate objects?

No. Rockets are sex, constructed with one single purpose - to powerfully thrust against Mother Nature’s warm embrace. Conclusive evidence is surely the humble Zoom ice lolly – a childhood treat which in hindsight had a shape and colour scheme which was more than a little bit suggestive. Yes, it was the 70s, but shame on everyone involved.

Still unconvinced? Well, there’s now also actual scientific evidence proving the allure of airborne phalluses – with the US state of Hawaii recently unmasked as the planet’s most enthusiastic advocates of this particular fetish.

Their public shaming came courtesy of a “free” pornography site which tracks each and every digital footprint upon its dingy linoleum floor. Yes, these streaming sites know you better than your partner and parents combined - although that sounds very wrong in this context.

For reasons known only to them, bosses at the bluntly-monikered PornHub have decided to shed new light on a genuinely disturbing event which took place in the Hawaiian islands earlier this year. This was a day when the entire population was mistakenly informed by officials that they were facing imminent death from an incoming missile strike. And you thought the Tories were incompetent.

Upon hearing this alarming warning, many folk understandably stopped going about their daily business and took to the streets en masse to seek comfort in mob panic. But once a grovelling government apology was released about half an hour later, something very interesting happened.

As people started to return home, heavy traffic rapidly built up on PornHub – peaking with a 50 per cent increase in Saturday morning visitors. With most folk being off work for the weekend – except those putting out Sunday newspapers, of course – the site experienced record hits from Hawaii. It seems the thought of a big rocket heading towards us is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Chaos theory, which speculates that tiny actions can ultimately have a huge effect upon the entire universe, is often encapsulated by the poetic notion that a butterfly flapping its wings in Moscow can eventually cause a blizzard in Glasgow. Perhaps the ripple from Hawaii’s seismic shoogle of collective friction will ultimately be responsible for a huge volcano erupting on the surface of Venus.
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CAN YOU HEAR THE HUM?

ALTHOUGH it’s good to see The Simpsons’ Dr Nick still getting work, the recent medical assessment which hailed President Trump as the pinnacle of human physical wellbeing was actually a wee bit of a let-down, failing to live up to previous precedents of surrealistic madness set by The Donald’s wildly warped perception.

Denying climate change is pretty wild, of course, but accusing Cuba of using a Star Trek-style sonic ray gun on a group of American diplomats must be the truly psychedelic highlight of this deeply trippy presidential tenure.

The latest view on the mysterious sickness experienced by 22 visitors to the socialist haven last year now leans towards a Crucible-style mass psychosomatic psychosis. Curious indeed – but my own theory is that the Americans just had their brains scrambled by a country that spends more cash on hospitals than Harrier jets.

From the Salem witch trials to Robbie Williams concerts, collective delusion is a real and disturbing phenomenon – and although it may explain what happened in Cuba, it can now be dismissed as the main theory behind another perplexing sonic mystery. One which originates much closer to home.

The so-called “Largs Hum” refers not to an unpleasant seaside odour, but to a droning low-level sound frequency which haunts the nights of west coast locals claiming to be sensitive to an unrelenting siren’s song.

Countless experts have investigated reports of similar “hums” across the globe – many in coastal areas – with the phenomenon being blamed on everything from phone masts and tinnitus to submarine communications and even fish orgies. I’m not making that up. The mass hysteria explanation, however, has remained the favourite theory of debunkers.

But now the truth is out there. Maybe. Researchers believe long ocean waves scraping along the sea bed cause a vibration, echoing out a droning soundwave which lasts – and we must appreciate such devotion to accuracy – anything from 13 to 300 seconds.

So it’s clear. Any weird noises you hear in the middle of the night which last under 12 seconds are not the “hum” – but are almost certainly the tortured moans of dead relatives trying to communicate frustration at being stuck in a purgatorial half-existence.
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BUZZ OFF, UFO OBSESSIVES

BUZZ Aldrin has always had a sting in his tail. Apart from knocking out moon-landing deniers with a swift left hook – still the best clip on YouTube – there’s nothing this 88-year-old enjoys better than trolling UFO buffs.

Fresh from pulling the most cynical expression ever seen on a human face while sharing a stage with Donald Trump – the second-best clip on YouTube – Buzz has now weighed in on intriguing new images of Mars’s moon Phobos. These are pictures that some believe show an artificial 2001-style monolith structure on the surface.

“We should visit the moons of Mars,” said the bold Buzz. “There’s a monolith, a very unusual structure. When people find out about that they are going to say, ‘Who put that there?’”

They might ask that – but the answer, as Buzz knows, is probably no-one. The majority of sober astrogeologists have already dismissed the most outlandish of theories put forward by tinfoil-hatted types, believing it to be a natural – if unusual – rock formation.

But let’s be clear – Buzz isn’t claiming it’s an alien structure. This respected, grounded MIT-educated PhD recipient has long been known for his enthusiasm to put human footprints on Mars, and will use any ammunition he has to highlight the urgency of such a mission. Even drawing attention to something more unhinged observers believe is a stargate to another dimension.

We must also note that Buzz has previous when it comes to deflating the dreams of budding Fox Mulders. He was quick to clarify that a “flash” witnessed by Apollo 11’s crew was simply a reflection of the sun on the craft’s panels – but that hasn’t stopped UFO enthusiasts claiming it as a legitimate sighting. Who cares about the truth these days anyway? Certainly not anyone on the internet.

But Nasa still does, it seems. Doubtlessly intrigued, the agency is now making plans to send a spacecraft to land on the surface of Phobos. The projected date of the mission is 2029 – and I’m betting the sprightly Mr Aldrin will still be around as a fly in the ointment even then.