SO car programme Top Gear has returned with new presenters which has not pleased everyone. As one viewer put it: "I was so drunk I fell asleep 10 minutes into Top Gear. According to social media, that was a good move."

However, if you know your American TV programmes well enough, you will probably prefer the inspired reaction of Brian Teles who commented: "It's been ages since I watched Friends. Was Chandler always this shouty and ginger?"

A GLASGOW reader hears a young girl, wise beyond her years, tell her pal: "You can hit anyone, as hard as you want on their back, as long as you yell 'Spider!' at the same time. I did it to my sister and she thanked me."

SCOTLAND'S only Ukip MEP David Coburn has been using social media to complain that doctors should have a better grasp of English before being able to work in the UK. As David wrote: "Relationship between doctor and patient is complex both intend of diagnosis communication and treatment requires high proficiency of English."

After trying to work out what Mr C was attempting to say, a reader comments: "Physician, heal thyself."

TALKING of politicians, SNP MP for Argyll and Bute, Brendan O'Hara, was complaining about having no broadband at home for three weeks and added: "All I have learned is that never ask EE for a call back between 6pm and 9pm. It doesn't happen." Fellow MP John Nicolson gave him the cheering news: "When I told EE that I still had no mobile phone signal at home they suggested I move to another supplier."

ENJOY the bank holiday yesterday? A reader thought it was a tad harsh of the woman shopper who loudly remarked in a south side shopping centre: "Is today actually Bring Your Crying Wean to Silverburn Day?"

IT was also Junior Cup Final at the weekend when Beith beat Pollok on penalties. Pollok player Findlay Frye got into the spirit of the day by having his hair dyed half white and half black which is his team's colours. Our man at the match, Matt Vallance, says that when Findlay picked up a booking in the game a Pollok fan asked angrily what it was for. "Probably for having an offensive hair cut," a fellow fan pondered.

ANOTHER weekend event was Canadian band Murder Murder playing some Scottish dates. As Mike Ritchie explains: "The band describe their music as 'Bloodgrass' – bluegrass gets into a bar fight with outlaw country and no-one walks out alive. The North Ontario musicians have a wry outlook overall as they point out that their home region suffers from a worrying lack of mythology – so they just make it up."

Sorry we missed them.

OH dear, I thought it might have been his day off yesterday, but a colleague catches up with me and confides: "I'm always frank with girls that I meet for the first time. I don't want them knowing my real name."

AND today's piece of daftness comes from a reader who emails: "Safety tip: always wear a ski mask to bed at night. That way if someone breaks into your house they'll think you are part of the gang."