AS we read about the millions of pounds spent on footballers in England, we turn to the Scottish Juniors for some light relief. Graham Scott was at the Auchinleck Talbot v Beith game the other day when an Auchinleck fan, frustrated by a delay in the game, shouted: “C’mon ref, ah’ve ma work to get up for in the morning.”

A Beith fan immediately shouted over: “You don’t live in Auchinleck then?”

A CHAP in an Ayrshire golf club was telling his pals that when he got a hole-in-one he went home and told his wife: "I think that's my greatest ever achievement."

When she replied: "What about your three children?" he only realised later that he had totally missed her point as he told her: "You're right. I should phone them and tell them."

REPORT cards continued. John Crawford in Lytham tells us: "My wife recalls once bringing home a school report card that she admits was ‘a bit south of mediocre.’ She got home to find her gran was visiting and her father was sunning himself on the back green. On learning about the situation, gran told her to give her father the report card and come back into the house.

"A minute later her father breenged into the living room to be told by his mother, ‘before you start, I signed report cards for your sister and your two brothers but I can’t remember ever signing one for you.’ So he signed the card and went back out into the sun."

A MILNGAVIE reader emails us with the suggestion: "I think an enterprising youngster could make a bob or two by going round the houses offering to fill-in all those adult colouring-in books we've bought but never got round to using."

A GUIDE at a Historic Scotland site swears to us that when he asked some tourists if they had any questions, a young chap asked what the wifi password was. When the guide replied: "You do realise this was built in the 18th century?" a fellow tourist piped up: "He meant to say, 'Dost though have the password?'"

THE news that commercial flights have resumed from the United States to Cuba prompts a reader to phone and say: "After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation, the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date - the American tourist."

TRYING to show off his extensive vocabulary, the coach of Melrose rugby club said that tomorrow's clash with Glasgow Hawks would be "an attritional game" because of Hawks having an extremely strong defence. Unfortunately the club's press release must have used a dodgy spell-checker as it was sent to newspapers as his claim that "This is sure to be a nutritional game." Unless he was referring to the half-time snacks of course.

A READER returning from a holiday abroad says he heard the bored staff in security having a blether when one told his pal: "You missed the flight from Russia that landed today."

When the second chap asked if anything unusual had happened, the first one declared: "I asked one Russian woman to take her shoes off, and guess what? She had a smaller pair on below them...and then another smaller pair."

Well, you have to pass the time somehow doing that job.

THERE is nothing like a trip to a Glasgow pub for some philosophy. A reader heard one toper in a city centre pub declare: "Do you know the best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something."