Dog’s breakfast

Our story about the soup tins spilled over a road reminds Ian Petrie in Newton Stewart: “Many years ago a lorry loaded with Master McGrath dog food come off the A75 and landed in a field, just along from the factory where I worked. The load was lying everywhere. We were sent down to help clear up. Naturally, many ‘damaged’ tins were being taken for dogs at home.

“One guy was filling the boot of his car and was asked if he had a dog. ‘No’ he said ‘ but ma mither takes in lodgers’.

“We hoped he was joking.”

Clowning around

We do like police on social media with a sense of humour. Middleton Police in Greater Manchester said yesterday: “No joke now, we’ve got reports of a car full of clowns driving around Middleton scaring people.”

It then added: “Maybe the doors and wheels will fall off soon.”

The name’s Bond

Premium Bonds are now 60 years old. We are told that when they were launched the then shadow chancellor Harold Wilson called the scheme a “squalid raffle”. Church leaders also expressed concern that Britain would become a nation of gamblers and warned people not to get involved. Innocent days.

Anyway, we only mention it as we like the swagger of the government department that runs Premium Bonds setting up the phone line 08085 007 007 if you have a query about your bonds.

You’re choking

Top Tory Michael Heseltine is quoted by the BBC denying that he had choked to death his mother’s Alsation dog many years go. What strange times we live in. A Better Together supporter – they still exist apparently – emails us: “As Heseltine denies choking a dog called Kim, police to investigate rumours of people in Scotland flogging a dead horse called Indyref2.”

Getting all steamed up

Classic Scottish play The Steamie is going on a 30th anniversary tour next year, including shows at The King’s in Glasgow and the Ayr Gaiety. It reminds us of Tony Roper, actor and writer of the play, appearing on the comedy show Naked Radio as a Celtic director taking empty bottles from the terraces to a shop for the deposits because of the club’s perceived parsimony.

Days later he found a crate of empty beer bottles on his doorstep with a letter on Celtic club notepaper which said: “Here is your share of the takings.”

How low can you go

A few folk have gone abroad to catch a bit of winter sun. Tom Rafferty tells us: “A friend has gone to Benidorm where across the street from his apartment is an entertainment venue called Charlie Chaplin’s which prominently describes itself as having, ‘A touch of class’.

“Below, it lists its headlining act on Saturday as a ‘dwarf stripper’.”

Bit of a blow

A Glasgow reader heard a chap in his local bar say that he did not think his Irish mother liked his wife. He went on: “Before we went on holiday she gave my wife the old Irish blessing, ‘May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back’.”

“What’s wrong with that?” his pal asked. “We were going to the Grand Canyon,” he explained.

Who’s a bad boy?

Enjoy Hallowe’en? A colleague says he got into trouble from his wife for opening the door to a young chap in a dog costume and then telling the lad he couldn’t have any chocolate as it was bad for dogs. He admitted to us he was only trying to save some of the mini Mars Bars for himself.