Escaping for dummies

THE news story that two prisoners at Pentonville Prison in London escaped after leaving life-size mannequins in their beds puzzles a reader who phones to ask: “Surely it’s much more difficult to smuggle two life-size mannequins into a prison than actually escape?”

Got to hand it to him

TODAY’S piece of daftness comes from Neil who says: “It’s proper chilly today – even my gate post is wearing a glove.”

And all because ...

A JOBS agency is seeking someone to be the Milk Tray Man in Glasgow later this month when he will spend the day at a supermarket dressed as the Milk Tray Man, helping people take their shopping to their car and giving out free samples of the chocolate.

The successful candidate also has to be “polite with a fun personality”. Pay is £60 for a six-hour day – enough to buy about six boxes of the chocolates that can be binge-eaten at home as the Man wonders what happened to his life.

Well trollied

“DOES the fact that we’ve passed Guy Fawkes Night mean you will now be plugging the new Diary book endlessly until Christmas?” asks a reader anxiously.

“Certainly not,” we tell him, but add: “Just for your information, it is called The Herald Diary, and includes the story of the Maryhill chap telling his pal, ‘I used to love sitting in supermarket trolleys when I was younger.

“‘But my maw spoiled it by shouting at me to get out of the canal’.”

Trump that

AS we finally reach the finishing line in the American Presidential election, a reader in Texas sends us the wise words: “Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn’t cute.”

Taking it on the chin

WE hope this does not crush anyone if they have been told this, but James Hinton passes on the advice: “If anyone ever says to you that you ‘look good with a bit of stubble,’ it is actually code for ‘Don’t shave, no one wants to see your fat face’.”

An Open relationship

OUR tales of landladies remind Robin Gilmour: “There was the Open Championship story of the press being tipped off that an American professional with an eye for the ladies was staying in a guest house in St Andrews.

“A reporter asked if the golfer was staying there with his wife and was told by the landlady, ‘I don’t think so somehow.’ “When he asked why she was sure, she replied, ‘Because she has a very strong Methil accent,’ and shut the door.”

A belter

GETTING old continued. Says Joe Knox: “Another way of telling old age in a man is the trouser belt test. Did you know that the older a man is the higher his belt is worn? My grandad is so old he is now just a pair of trousers and a head.”

Stainless steal

A COLLEAGUE sneaks up on us and declares: “Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life – but I’m willing to take the whisk.”