Old ones are the best

SCOTS entertainer Johnny Beattie is 90 today. As the great man himself put it: “I’m nearly as old as my gags and that’s saying something.”

Third time lucky

SAD to hear of the death of radio presenter Sir Jimmy Young, who was far more astute than some folk realise. Years ago in a Herald interview, he was asked about the most stupid thing he had done, and thrice-married Jimmy replied: “Marrying my second wife. We were having an affair, and she told me that didn’t mean I had to marry her. However, when I was young my father told me, ‘If a woman is good enough to sleep with, she is good enough to marry’. Dad’s advice was pretty stupid.

I should have taken hers.”

Snookered

STORIES of tough landladies remind Gordon Cubie: “The former manageress of the Premier Snooker Hall in Sauchiehall Street was one such lady. One player started whistling to himself and was immediately rebuked with, ‘This is a snooker hall – not a music hall!’”

Runway success

WELL that’s the American election over, thank goodness. We do commend however the brazenness of budget airline Ryanair which sent out its latest cheap offers electronically to customers yesterday with the headline: “Even Hillary wouldn’t delete this email.”

Between the sheets WE asked for signs you are growing old, and reader Ron Fretwell in East Kilbride asks: “I used to read my Herald from the front page to the back. Now I turn from the front page to the obituaries. That’s a sign isn’t it?”

Gone for a Barton

RANGERS player Joey Barton has apparently been signed off with stress. Not a condition to be joked about but, as one Rangers fan felt the need to comment: “I stand with Joey Barton on this one. I’ve been watching Rangers for the last two months and am stressed out ma’ box as well.”

Branching out

TODAY’S piece of whimsy comes from Eric Begbie in Stirling who says: “I don’t know why, when reading today’s Diary, I was reminded of an incident from almost 50 years ago. A domestic science class at Penicuik High School was cooking a crumble dessert and the teacher urged one of her charges to be more frugal with the fruit in the immortal words, ‘Apples don’t grow on trees, you know!’”.

Rhyming slang

TERRACING shouts take us to a bygone era today as Willie Douglas recalls: “Playing centre half for Dundee against Rangers, Ian Ure, 6ft 5in, with a thatch of blond hair, was having a storming game frustrating every Rangers attack “A wee Rangers fan, having subjected Ure to every form of abuse he could think of, was enraged as Ure yet again defended a Rangers goal attempt. In his frustration the wee nyaff fired off the final shot in his abuse locker. ‘Ure, ya hoor’.”

Gives me a steer

A colleague suggests: “Get breathalysed by the police by simply trying to avoid the potholes on the roads,” he says before wandering away.