A wing and a prayer
AN Uddingston reader tells us he knew his wife was a nervous flyer but he thought she hit a new low when they were returning from an autumn break in Spain and a baby behind them started crying. His wife looked anxiously round then whispered to him: “Wait, why is he screaming? What does he know that we don’t?”

Making a spectacle of yourself
GROWING old continued. Says a Hillhead reader: “When I used to say, ‘Last night was a bit of blur’ it meant I had drunk too much. Now it means that I had forgotten to take my glasses.”

Supermarket service
CONGRATULATIONS to Andy Murray becoming No 1 tennis player in the world. Confesses reader Gordon Shepherd: “Think I’ve been watching too much tennis. My wife sent me to pick up some Golden Delicious apples in the supermarket. I pick up four and by the time I get back to the trolley I’ve thrown two behind me and put one in my pocket.” 

Friends chip in
THE Trump win doesn’t seem so funny now, but we recall old chum Jack Irvine, boss of PR firm Media House, taking a lot of stick at a journalists’ charity lunch in September when he made a successful, way over the top, bid for a round of golf and overnight stay at Trump International Golf Links in Aberdeen. 
Jack recalled yesterday: “When challenged by my lefty-leaning former colleagues I told them, ‘I’ll be the only media man in Scotland who shows support for the next president of the USA.’ How my old friends jeered.
“Who’s jeering now?”
 
Cartoon characters

WE always see Trump’s running mate referred to as “Mike” so we didn’t pick up on the Disney reference until reader Christine Camillo told us: “The USA will soon be officially run by Donald and Mickey.”

Fun after Trump
WE try to find out how Americans are taking the Trump win. Erik Bransteen tells us he is not joining in with the people who want to leave the country. Says Erik: “I’m not moving to Canada. I’ll have more fun staying here saying, ‘I told you so’ for the next four years.”

Animal magic
MANY folk are changing the subject by discussing this year’s John Lewis Christmas advertisement featuring animals sneaking a shot on a trampoline. As Stewart Pringle put it: “Yeah it’s gonna take more than a John Lewis Christmas ad to cheer me up this y... A badger turned up! A badger turned up!”

It’s going to be child’s play
NORTHERN comedian Jimmy Bright, now living in Benidorm, told his friends on social media: “I’m opening a new restaurant in Benidorm. It’s called Peace & Quiet. Kids meals are 250 euros.”

Triggering fond memories
OUR tales of tough landladies remind Carolyn Johnston in Paisley: “My husband, Ian, and I, on an American trip, arrived at our B&B in Tombstone, Arizona, to find no-one in the house and our room key in an envelope wedged in the unlocked front door with instructions to make ourselves at home.
“When we finally met the landlord and landlady the following day, we asked if he wasn’t worried when he left the front door unlocked. He looked at us and said, ‘Every house in this town has at least one gun, so nobody breaks in anywhere’.”