Chariots of Fire

TERRACING shouts continued. They just don’t happen like this any more. Recalls Bill Jefferies: “After Rangers had won the league in 1975 under Jock Wallace, they held a gala before the last game against Airdrie. Captain John Greig went round the track on a chariot.

“When the game started, the Airdrie winger pushed the ball 30 yards past Greig to beat him for speed. The guy next to me shouted, ‘Hey Greig, get back on that f****** chariot and get him caught’.”

Mixed messages

WE are still trying to take in the American election result. A reader in the US tries to comfort us by saying: “I’m hoping Trump will tell everyone after he takes office, ‘Let’s get that Muslim band going’ and his staff say, ‘Band? We thought you said ban.’ Then Trump replies, ‘Ban? No way, that’s far too harsh. Also, how are we getting on with that Mexican mall?’”

Bright spark

ANOTHER American tells us: “When I saw the news coverage of Barack Obama showing him around the White House I had a fantasy that Obama says to him, ‘Now here’s the toaster. It tends to stick, so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it working’.”

Stepping up to the plate

A WEST End reader swears to us he heard a student strolling up Byres Road tell his pal: “No-one in the flat has done the dishes for weeks. So I finally did the responsible thing. I went out and bought some paper plates.”

A real connection

A BEARSDEN reader phones to tell us how the world is changing faster than he can cope. He explains: “I took my daughter into a cafe and she said, ‘Hold on, I get a feeling I’ve been here before’. So I asked her if she was having some kind of out-of-body experience.

“And she replied, ‘No, it’s just that my phone has automatically connected to the WiFi.”

Off limits

TALKING about WiFi, a reader in Ayrshire was at his golf club where a fellow member declared: “So why is it my teenage daughter can remember a complicated WiFi password which is 15 characters long, including numbers and capitals in a random pattern, yet she cannot once remember to switch a light off when she leaves a room.”

Hot potatoes

OUR tale of the landlady serving the same meal nightly, reminds Dougie McNicol in Bridge of Weir: “A minister at a wedding reception told the tale of his wife, after their wedding, serving the same meal of mince and potatoes every night. Eventually after five nights of mince he left a note saying he would be home by dinner time and added the biblical reference Hebrews 13, verse 8’

“His wife opened the family Bible and read – fervent religionists look away now – ‘Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever’.”

Dad is toast

WE have not had some bad dad jokes for a while. A younger reader in Whitecraigs tells us the family were sitting down to have a birthday breakfast for their mum yesterday when she looked around the table and told her dad, “You’ve forgotten the French toast.” She had to shake her head as she watched her dad stand up with his glass of orange juice and shout out: “Vive La France!”

Guess work

THE election result in America was another bad result for the polling companies who had all predicted a Clinton win. Moose Allain sends us a possible conversation. “So you reckon you’d make a good pollster?” “I guess.”