Sound advice

SCOTRAIL, says John Mulholland, has started making announcements at stations, advising customers to stay safe by looking up occasionally from their smartphones.

That’s all very well, he says, but what about the customers who can’t hear the announcement because they’re wearing headphones?

And does it apply if one is reading The Diary?

Trump in fog horn alert

AND still, for some reason we can’t quite put our finger on, the Donald Trump anecdotes come in.

Iain Maciver alerts the Diary to the fact marine equipment specialists Gael Force Marine, up in Inverness, are marketing a Trump Manual Fog Horn.

Apparently it “makes a whole lot of noise without the hot air”.

Yours for just £7.99.

The wrong man

INTERESTING little story from Tony (Baldrick) Robinson’s memoirs, No Cunning Plan.

He and his daughter, Laura, then aged 10, spent a day at Alton Towers but were pursued by an ever-increasing crowd of youthful obsessives, eager to get his autograph, “touching me like lepers round the hem of the Messiah”, but unable to identify exactly who he was. Eventually, Tony and Laura, fatigued by the constant clamour, decided to call it a day and head for the exit, still pursued by cries of “I’ve seen you in summit, haven’t I?”and “Are you that bloke?”

This was bad enough but one young enthusiast, evidently having established the fleeing celebrity’s name to his own satisfaction, rubbed salt into Tony’s wound, shouting, “Timmy! Timmy! Where’s your mallet?”

Pick of the bunch

FLICKING through Tony’s book, our attention was caught by a passage that speaks to his admirable sang-froid professionalism.

During a Time Team shoot, a somewhat nervous metal detectorist had come across a very rare coin, a quarter laurel from the reign of King James 1.

Tony, approaching him and asking to see the coin, noticed a sizeable dewdrop hanging from the end of the man’s nose. It was getting larger by the second.

Thus it was that Tony’s outstretched palm received not only the coin but the dewdrop too. Fighting back an impulse to throw up his breakfast, Tony merely said: “Gosh, that is interesting. Let’s have a look at the other side.” We assume he’s talking about the coin there.

Singing for your supper

THE Crow Tavern in Bishopbriggs, a community pub that offers food and live entertainment, is promoting a Cher tribute night next month.

A Diary reader can’t help but feel that the Crow has missed a trick with its ad. Given that the night also involves food, he says, wouldn’t it have been better to advertise it as Cher and Cher Alike?

Winning nil-nil

TERRACING shouts, more of.

Stuart Russell remembers a Rous Cup match at Hampden in the 1980s when Scotland were playing the boys from Brazil.

“At one point,” he says, “Scotland were square-passing the ball around in their own half for about two minutes (amazing, I know ... ) when someone shouted, ‘Take a leaf out of that, Brazil!’”

This might have been the same match at which someone who arrived late and asked the score was told: “We’re winning nil-nil.” It couldn’t last, of course.