Every dog has its day
WE always liked the style of Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher. When she went on a luxury train vacation in Scotland on the Royal Scotsman with her French bulldog Gary last year, she simply handed a note to staff stating that Gary needed a meal of hamburgers and fat-free bacon followed by vanilla ice-cream.
Most of us are lucky to get a KitKat on a train.
Changed days
TALKING of bad news about celebrities, a reader heard a fellow toper in a Glasgow bar yesterday declare: “Remember when some folk described themselves as ‘doctor to the stars’? You don’t hear them bragging about that these days.”
Warm greeting
IT’S nice to be cheery. Reader Bobby Caldwell was paying for his petrol in a Helensburgh petrol station, and as it was a bit chilly he smiled at the customer behind him and said: “A bit cold out there today.” Says Bobby: “She replied with a smile, ‘I’m menopausal so I’m actually quite hot’. There didn’t seem to be an answer to that, so I just smiled, paid, and left.”
Bitter pill to swallow
A READER was at his golf club in Ayrshire yesterday when a fellow player remarked: “I was at the doc’s where he gave me some new medicine and told me not to take the pills on an empty stomach. He then looked at my stomach and added, ‘Not that that’s likely in your case’.”
Zoned out
HARD getting back into a routine after Christmas. A reader who was abroad for the festivities confesses: “Got up at nine, made porridge, but was surprised how tired I felt. Woke husband with a cuppa and he told me it was four in the morning. My phone was in the wrong time zone.”
Relatively speaking
CHRIS Wood has written a book about his sister, the comedian Victoria Wood who died earlier this year. She wrote the television sketch Acorn Antiques, which was made into a musical with Victoria and Julie Walters starring in it. Chris went along one night, but on that occasion Julie was unwell and Victoria played the main role of Mrs Overall.
Chris saw a sign saying that people expecting to see Julie could get their money back, and he said to Victoria afterwards that surely nobody did. She told him: “Don’t you believe it. I’m told there were 34 people who did ask for their money back. They couldn’t all be Julie’s relatives, surely?”
Case closed
TODAY’S piece of whimsy comes from Moose Allain who comments: “Imagine being at the baggage carousel and slowly realising you’ve got the shoddiest luggage there. That’s the worst case scenario.”
Final curtain call
JUST before we announce the winner of the drop one letter from a film title contest, the final entries are:
l One of Our Pies Is Missing – Kilmarnock FC find themselves one delicacy short (Danny McDonald).
l There’s Something About May – Cameron Diaz plays the girl who surprises everyone by becoming Prime Minister (David Donaldson).
l The Greatest How On Earth – The world still can’t come to terms with Donald Trump as president-elect (Hugh Clark).
l An Inconvenient Ruth – biopic of Scottish politician who challenges party orthodoxy (Harry Clark).
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