Put a sock in it
SOME folk were popping into their offices for a couple of days between Christmas and New Year. A reader in Glasgow heard a workmate explain about his Christmas presents: “So basically my family must think I smell, drink to excess, and have threadbare socks.”

Oh no he didn’t
STILL going strong in Scotland are 
the pantos. The Pavilion in Glasgow announced that panto-goer George Mulveny attended their Elfie’s Magical Adventure on his 102nd birthday with 28 of his family. He goes there every year on his birthday.
Sadly, we missed George’s outing so were unable to check with him whether the jokes this year were older than he was.

What drove Reynolds to succeed
YET another celebrity death with the sad demise of film star Debbie Reynolds. We always liked the way Debbie cut through the glamour by explaining that when she was filming, at age 17, Three Little Words, with Fred Astaire, her mother got fed up driving her to the studio and told her: “You wanna be in the pictures, you’ll have to take the bus.”
She had to take three buses to get there, leaving so early she shared her first bus with cleaners and postmen while wearing a cute sailor’s outfit and beret.

Star man
BUT talking of celebrity deaths this year, we liked the person on social media who tried to be positive about 
it and declared: “It is becoming increasingly obvious that David Bowie has established a better universe and is populating it one by one.”
Below par
TAKING advantage of the mild weather, an Ayrshire reader strolled into his golf club for a round where 
he heard a fellow member opine: 
“I read that the average person has sex 60 times a year.
“So I guess I’m going to have 
a helluva week this week.”

That sucked said Dyson
READER Donald Grant was having trouble with a book order on Amazon so he went on to their “Chat helpline” where you can type messages to a member of staff. He got into a conversation with a helpful chap who introduced himself as Dyson. Donald couldn’t work out why Dyson kept on repeating on every message that his name was Dyson until Donald realised that his computer had auto-corrected it each time to Dysentry.
Which wasn’t that helpful.

Dumbo
A SOUTH side reader who sneaked out from the festive fun at home to have a pint said he overheard some young chaps at the bar discussing the merits of having children. One father of young kids put in his tuppence worth by stating: “You have to ask yourself before you do, are you willing to watch the same Disney film on a permanent loop for the next four years of your life?”

The final countdown
THE winner of our dropped letter Christmas contest will be announced on Monday. The final entries are:
l Pint Break: Glasgow surfer takes 
a week off the bevvy (Chris Kerr).
l Bob & Carol & Ted & Lice: menage 
a trois discover the pitfalls of being naughty (Billy McKnight).
l The Fat And The Furious: Boxing Day sales begin in Glasgow (Peter Mohan).
l Now White: What Trump voters hope America will be when the wall is built (Nan Spowart).
And thanks to the many who suggested The Magnificent Seve for 
a film about the great golfer, and 
those who summed up Brexit in It’s 
A Wonderful Lie.