Trump that

WE have stumbled into tales of the toilets at Trump Tower in New York, and Jim McDonald in Paisley tells us that the toilet paper was of poor quality. Or as Jim puts it: “The paper was more transparent than his tax returns.”

And a survey by ABC Television in America put Trump’s rating amongst voters at -14, compared to Obama’s +61. As novelist Irvine Welsh commented: “I seriously doubt Trump will live up to these expectations.”

Brace yourselves

BACK in Glasgow a reader passes on a comment in a Glasgow pub where Trump was being debated. “I’m not sure,” argued one toper, “that Donald Trump is even qualified to sit in an exit row on an aeroplane.”

Cutting remark

ENJOYING the stories of the old Western Infirmary. Hugh Brennan recalls being driven there by a spectator after he suffered a bad head gash during a game of rugby in the west end. As the spectator returned to see the second half, Hugh had to wait for a fellow player to drive Hugh’s car to the Western after the game.

As Hugh sat there in bloodied rugby jersey with his head festooned in a bandage, his colleague’s opening remark was: “You b******, I had to put petrol in that car.”

Snookered

IAN Gibson in Newtonmore wishes to open out the conversation to take in all hospitals and tells us: “When I worked at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary in the 80s, a porter with many years service was in serious trouble for some repeated misdemeanours. I received a full and heartfelt testimonial in his defence from a very senior medic which was quite unusual.

“On asking why, I was told that the medic was one of the pair discovered in flagrante on a snooker table in the junior staff quarters 30 years before. The porter was the one who had walked in on him.”

It jarred a bit

AND it also allowed Alan Barlow in Paisley to recount the old gag: “There was the guy in the pub who bragged that his brother was in the medical department of the university. When asked what he did there the chap replied, ‘He’s in a big jar on a shelf somewhere’.”

Cap it all punishment

THE Herald’s archive picture of Hillhead High School pupils wearing caps reminds Michael Bruce: “At Allan Glen’s we were supposed to wear them when travelling to and from Townhead. Most were stuffed into blazer pockets, but if, like me, you took a Blue Train home you ran the risk of receiving a heavy clip on the ear from the headmaster, J.B. Somerville, when he found you capless on the platform, and an invitation to ‘My room, tomorrow morning’ for further ‘education’ on the dress code.

“Ah, the days of regular corporal punishment. Didn’t do me a b-b-bit of harm.”

Below the belt response

GROWING old continued. Says Roy Gullane: “A wise man once told me, ‘Middle age is when you experience the first time you can’t do it twice. Old age is when you experience the second time you can’t do it once’.”

What a hoot OH dear. I looked up at the wrong moment and a colleague caught my eye. “Just been voted world’s worst owl impersonator.” I just stared at him.

“ I couldn’t give two hoots,” he added.