Roll on

COMMENTS that only work in Scotland, we suspect. David Leask reported in Saturday’s Herald that John Devlin, the majority shareholder in Mortons Rolls had been struck off by the Institute of Chartered Accounts Scotland due to misconduct. “Well fired,” commented a Herald reader.

The barman’s whine

SOMETIMES Glasgow’s leisure industry still has a bit to go. A West End reader who works in the east of the city went with a few colleagues for an after-work refreshment locally, where she went to buy some white wine only to be told they had run out.

When she pointed out there was an off sales across the road, the barman called over a local worthy and told him to run across and purchase a bottle for him.

“What will I get,” asked the old toper. “Any old s****,” replied the barman in our reader’s hearing.

My heart was broken

GOOD win for Hibs against Hearts last week, which the fans celebrated with an emotional rendition of Sunshine On Leith. Says Matt Vallance: “The song was being discussed in an Ayrshire pub where a regular told the tale of how, when the song first came out, and had yet to reach iconic status, two of his sisters tried to sing it as their contribution to the family’s Hogmanay get-together.

“They got as far as the second “sorrow, sorrow”, when their Granny, the family matriarch interrupted, ‘Stoap that! We’re no hivin sad sangs tae efter midnight’.”

Better late than never

LATE-COMING continued. Says entertainer Andy Cameron: “I recall approaching Sir William Arrol’s in the fifties and a wee wummin asking a group of us, ‘Has the horn blew?’and Danny Irvine, the works’ comic, informing her, ‘Ah don’t know whit colour the horn is hen.’ “And a certain Rangers legend was chastised by Walter Smith, ‘McCoist, late again, you’re fined a week’s wages.’ Super Ally was aghast. ‘Och be fair gaffer’ he moaned, ‘this is the earliest ah’ve been late aw week’.”

Train of thought

NOT great weather at the weekend. Muses David Martin: “ScotRail said most services were running normally, with some delays. Isn’t that just ‘normally’ anyway?”

Whisky galore

GREAT night at the Oran Mor Whisky Awards in the West End last week where distillers were telling their favourite yarns. The one we liked was the distillery where the workers had discreetly fitted a small additional pipe that led to a tap outside the distillery where they could siphon off some of the nectar away from the eyes of customs.

All went well until there was a small fire on the premises and a customs man grabbed a pail, filled it at the tap and threw it on the fire only to watch in amazement as the flames suddenly enveloped the room.

Bin there, done that

WE asked for signs of getting old and Ian Forrest tells us: “So you want to check The Herald to see if a joke you sent had been used. You then search the house for yesterday’s Herald. Then you rake through the recycle bin. Then you search the house again (extra diligently).

“You then remember that you didn’t get a Herald yesterday because of thon bloody snow storm.”