Step inside love
THE producers of Cilla – The Musical are auditioning at the Edinburgh Playhouse next month 
for a woman to play the eponymous Cilla Black. A reader, perhaps a tad unkindly, observes: “Can you imagine the scene? Producer, ‘Can you sing?’ ‘Yes’. ‘Okay, next’.”

Barking mad
BANTER with shop assistants continued. Says a Falkirk reader: “At my local supermarket there was an old chap in front of me who only had six tins of dog food and six cans of lager. The girl on the till looked up and said, ‘Whit’s this? Is the dug having a party?’”

Prime time
JOHN Henderson tells us: “Was looking at Tony Benn’s Diary for this week 20 years ago, and it tells the story of Labour recruiting a company to set up batteries of young people telephoning members to get money out of them.
“Benn says that one young woman rang Jim Callaghan and asked if he ever thought of being a bit more active in politics. Jim replied, ‘Well, I was a Labour Prime Minister – what more could I do?’ “

Well plaid
TARTAN Day yesterday, apparently, which reminds us of the reader who was in a Paisley dress-hire shop when a family walked in, and the father, with a tattoo of a chap on a horse on his arm, declared: “Wur here fur a fittin’ o’ oor kilts.” The assistant asked which tartan they required, and he replied: “Rangers tartan.” Our reader admired the nerve of the assistant who then asked if it was for a wedding or a First Holy Communion.

Unfortunate spin of the disc
THE Herald archive picture of a community radio station reminds a Paisley reader of Q96 radio in the 90s. He says: “I still remember its news bulletin about a campaign called ‘Bin the Knife’ to persuade young people not to take blades with them when they went out at weekends. The DJ then played Elton John’s Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting.”

Trip to Edinburgh
INSPIRED idea, we reckon. Stand-up Luke Graves is bringing his show Husband of the Bride to the Edinburgh Fringe this year and, as the show is about love, couples can pay to have their pictures on his advertising posters, and thus pay for the posters.
Anyway, quick quip from Luke: “I’ve just been on Trip Advisor – but I found nothing about how to deal with a cut knee.”

You can bet on it
IT’S the Grand National tomorrow and we remember the year Mon Mome won and a disgruntled punter in a Glasgow bookie’s declared: “A 100/1 shot winning the National. What are the odds of that?”

Causing a stir
I FAILED to look busy, so a colleague wandered over and claimed: “I’ve invented a more efficient whisk.”
I stared at him before he added: “ It’s causing quite a stir.”