A bit of a stretch

FED up with these phone calls asking if you’ve had an accident? It reminds Jim Nicol in Lenzie: “In the Railways there was a daily incident log which recorded all occurrences of any note, and I recall an accident which did not get the sympathy it merited.

“It recorded an injury to a member of staff who had been occupied splitting sets of coaches. The heading of the report was the problem, ‘Shunter pulled muscle whilst doing the splits’.”

That light bulb moment

TALES of the tawse continued. Teacher Barham Brummage in Bathgate says: “A colleague who began teaching at the same time as me was a complete novice in the ‘art’ of belting. She was given the opportunity to test out her belting abilities, and took the miscreant out of the class. She set herself up, then let rip. Unfortunately she had not factored in the low ceiling in the area. On her down-swing she caught the lightbulb and showered herself and pupil with glass and bits of light shade. She abandoned the punishment.”

Made it by a whisker

WE liked the story from Blythswood Square Hotel doorman Johnny Wilson in Hotel Scotland magazine when he said the strangest request he got was at a previous hotel. Recounted Johnny: “One guest wanted us to help her purchase two guinea pigs at 10pm so she could take them home to Russia on her private jet. I managed to find a pet shop and arranged for them to re-open so she could select her new pets.”

Driving a bargain

A READER emails to explain capitalism to us. “A boss bought a new BMW car, which one of his employees was admiring. So the boss said to him, ‘Do you know, if you work hard, show up on time, never skive off early, work all the overtime I ask you to do...’ At that the worker interrupted him, ‘Do you mean I could get a car like that?’ “But his boss replied, ‘No I was going to say, ‘then I’d be able to buy an even bigger BMW’.”

Reflects badly

MORE on parenting as a Bishopbriggs reader tells us: “My son said that telescopes worked by using mirrors. He then asked if that meant we will never know if there are space vampires out there.”

Speedy reply

THE news that the missing piece of the M8 between Baillieston and Newhouse will open later this month reminds us of the old gag of the elderly lady being stopped on the M8 by police for driving very slowly. She told them that she thought the M8 signs meant she had to drive at eight miles an hour.

Before leaving, the traffic cops asked the ill-looking old gentleman next to her if he was ok and he replied that they had just come off the M90.

Answering the call

JOHN McNeill muses: “Despite my better judgment, I picked up the phone while making the tea. A distant voice invited me to sign up for a service which blocks nuisance calls.

“I had to go and lie down.”

Overheard in office WE pass a colleague in the office who is arguing: “I’m not a competitive person... I’ll be the last to admit it.”