That’s the ticket

OH to be back in Glasgow. Returning ex-pat Andrew Foster, now domiciled in Ontario tells us: “Enjoying being back to familiar things. Ticket machine wouldn’t work for me at Central Station this morning, and I grumped to the ticket man that it didn’t like me. ‘Lucky ye’re no’ married to it, then’, came back the compassionate reply.”

A chequered career

SAD to hear of the death of former James Bond actor Sir Roger Moore. When he appeared in Glasgow recently colleague Brian Beacom asked him, if he was careful with his money, how he felt parting with the £10m divorce cheque he reportedly wrote out to third wife Luisa Mattioli.

“What?” he exclaimed. “I never wrote a cheque for that amount. My hand would have seized up in a cramp!”

Brian also asked the secret to looking great. “Good life, good wife,” said Roger, before adding: “And only ever one at a time.”

Frankly speaking

AND we liked when Richard Shelton appeared at the Edinburgh Fringe with his show Sinatra and Me telling us that he appeared in a chat show to talk about his stage appearance while wearing a tuxedo that actually belonged to Frank Sinatra. Roger Moore, also appearing on the chat show, asked to see the label on the jacket, then said: “Yes it’s Frank’s. I sent him to my tailor Cyril on Saville Row after he admired mine.”

Cup runneth over

SCOTTISH Cup Final this Saturday and a reader phones to ask us: “What do you call a dozen men in a pub watching the cup final?”

When we said we didn’t know he answered: “Rangers!” and hung up.

Class act

AN EDINBURGH reader tells us he was surprised to receive a text from his wife telling him that she was going to a nightclub so wouldn’t be in when he got home.

He later discovered on her return, earlier than he expected in truth, that the auto-correct on her phone had changed it from “nightclass”, which is far more Edinburgh.

Wall of fame

WE asked what you did at primary school but have never done since, and Russell Smith suggests: “Seeing who could pee highest up the lavatory wall” and John Mulholland comes up with the more decorous: “Covering your books in garish wallpaper.”

Punching above his weight

MUSN’T forget there is an election coming up. Rab Henderson in Falkirk says”Thanks to the BBC commentator on last night’s news for brightening up the election campaign. On the trail with Jeremy Corbyn and John Prescott he said that Labour had brought out a ‘Big hitter’ to help them.

“It worked a treat, there was not an egg thrower in sight.”

Sunny disposition

THE joys of parenting. A Hyndland reader tells us: “Apparently I ruined my four-year-old’s entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow when helping him paint the sun.”