It was a close shave

STILL cracking weather in Glasgow. A reader was in the Asda in Toryglen when a female shopper in front of her handed over a lady shaver with a security tag to the checkout assistant.

Says our reader: “The assistant couldn’t remove it and passed it to a colleague who also struggled. Finally the customer told them, ‘Come on girls. Sun’s oot and I cannae have hairy legs’.”

The bonnies o’ Dundee

THE tricky subject of commenting on a baby who is lacking in the looks department reminds retired Dundee health visitor Christine Docherty: “I remember asking my mentor health visitor jokingly what you said when you looked in the pram on the visit and the baby was ‘not bonny’ ( a well used Dundonian expression). She reassured me that the best response was to say, ‘Nice Pram’. Worked everytime!”

No stalling

WE note that Scottish Housing News reports that “Glasgow Housing Association, the group’s largest subsidiary and Scotland’s largest registered social landlord, has been upgraded to stable.”

Surely not a reflection on its properties?

May or may not

THERESA May declined to take part in a televised debate with Jeremy Corbyn last night. A Partick social worker emails with the question: “As she failed to turn up to what is essentially a job interview, will her taxpayer-funded salary be sanctioned?”

Top drawer

A READER in a busy Glasgow pub garden yesterday heard the chap at the next table tell his pals: “One day I’d like to be wealthy enough not to check out the furniture folk have left on the pavement for the binmen.”

Flushed with success

TIME to flush our toilet stories as Jim Currie recalls: “Submariner Alistair Mars once told of submarine commanders visiting the mother ship where the ship’s captain explained that it had undergone a refurbishment and he would not tolerate any graffiti in the newly-painted toilets. He did concede though it would be hard to better the previous graffiti when someone had written, ‘This bloody house is no use at all, the seat’s too high and the hole’s too small.’

“Below in a different hand was, ‘To which I must add the obvious retort, your bum’s too big and your legs too short’.”

What drives The Donald

WE wondered why President Donald Trump had pulled out of the Paris Agreement on climate action when he met European leaders. A Bearsden reader phones: “There’s a simple explanation. He’s trying to improve the conditions on his golf course in Aberdeenshire.”

Bit of a card

AS schools get ready to break up for the summer, Robert Gardner sends us comments from Glasgow teachers in report cards which include:

*”A born leader” – runs a protection racket.

* “Friendly” – never shuts up.

*”Reliable” – informs on his friends.

*”Enjoys physical education” – a bully.