Fighting talk

THINGS you did at school but never since - entertainer Andy Cameron says: “There are three things I don’t miss. Rubbing Calamine lotion on the scurvy mark on my legs left by my wellies. Sitting raging in the ‘sound effects’ section in Mr Mooney’s music class.

“Last but not least, being conned into a ‘square go’ at four o’clock against the best fighter in the school - I beat her by the way.”

Stand out story

APOLOGIES for referring to Derek Whyte instead of Craig Whyte in the Rangers fraud case story. I shouldn’t be allowed out without a carer.

In recompense here is Derek’s tale about moving from Aberdeen to Partick Thistle where John Lambie was manager. Said Derek: “When John picked up a lifetime achievement award he was asked what his greatest moment was. We, of course, expected him to say something about his work with Thistle but instead he answered, ‘The first time I took Viagra’.’’

In his defence

CRAIG Whyte’s brief, Donald Findlay, is reaping much praise for his incisive questioning during the fraud case. We recall attending a charity dinner at Ibrox where Donald told the classic tale of one of clients, not a friend of the police, being questioned by detectives who asked him where he had been between seven and eleven.

“Primary school,” he replied.

Dressing down

WE are wary of relationship advice from a Glasgow pub, but we pass on from the chap in the city centre bar who told his pals: “If your girlfriend catches you staring at another woman, quickly tell her, ‘I’m glad you don’t dress like that’.”

A dog’s life

WE mentioned cartoonist Bud Neill, whose Lobey Dosser statue has been repaired, having a Great Dane. A reader tells us: “As a child, my route to my primary school took me past his house. Aged eight I was very nervous of ‘normal’ dogs but this Great Dane was a step too far. It would emerge from its gate, put its paws on my shoulders and look me in the eye. My mother got frequent phone calls from acquaintances asking her to come and rescue me.”

Wark ethic

GREAT news for Still Game fans as writer Greg Hemphill announces he has finished writing the new series. We recall Greg once saying that he and Ford Kiernan were filming Still Game in Maryhill when a local urchin tapped at their car window, crying: “Gauny geez an interview.”

Greg was baffled until the youth added: “Geez an interview - it’s fur ma sister.” Greg pointed out that what he really meant was an autograph, adding wittily: “Unless your sister’s Kirsty Wark”.

The youth angrily replied: “Ma sister’s never cursed her work - she’s at Gregg’s. They give her the bashed sausage rolls for nothin’.”

Sticking point

WELL that’s the election nearly over, thank goodness. Tory candidate Nadine Dorries used social media to declare, and I am quoting exactly: “Some Conservative posters have been daubed with swass stickers.”

Inevitably someone asked: “Are these like the football stickers you can buy in the newsagent’s?”