Pipe down there

BIG political news yesterday was the leaders of the Democratic Unionist Party meeting Theresa May in Downing Street. As a reader phoned to explain: “Theresa May is caught between the devil and the DUP.”

More fanciful was the reaction of another reader who claimed that the new James Bond film will be re-written to highlight the influence of the DUP. He tells us: “007 will walk onto the screen and announce, ‘The name’s Bond. Flute Bond’.”

Bamboozled

CLOSER to home, Scotland’s maverick Ukip MEP David Coburn has announced he wants to become the new Ukip leader. As SNP MEP Alyn Smith commented, a tad acerbically: “Cometh the hour, cometh the bam.”

Colourful story

OUR story of the DUP quizzing a Labour MP’s religious background, reminds retired publican Ron Fretwell of taking over a bar in Coatbridge, and telling the group of Rangers fans that came in on his first day that he did not allow football colours to be worn.

Things could have got a bit heated when one of them said loudly: “He must be a Catholic,” however another fan then declared: “No, I think he’s English” and that somehow seemed to satisfy them.

Quizzing your customers

IT was announced yesterday that the council has agreed to fund a £7m improvement scheme for Sauchiehall Street in Glasgow. We have always found the thoroughfare very down to earth and recall the Sauchiehall Street pub that put a noticeboard outside which stated: “Quiz night - nae smart arses’’.

Taking the heat

AN Ayrshire reader tells us he was in his golf club bar when a younger player was talking enthusiastically about his fitness regime. As he left the bar, an older member further along commented: “The last time I burned a thousand calories was when I forgot to keep an eye on the steak pie in the oven.”

An empty vessel

WE like it when new technology is combined with old technology. Alan Barlow in Paisley was in his local when a fellow customer wanted folk to hear something he had recorded on his mobile phone, but some couldn’t make it out.

So the chap put the phone in an empty pint tumbler which gave it sufficient amplification.

Turning Japanese

TOO early for us, but reader David Campbell tells us: “Early morning Channel 4 viewers are getting to grips with a new batch of Japanese phrases which pop up during adverts, such as ‘Hajimemashite’, pronounced ‘ha jimmy mash tay’ and means ‘Nice to meet you’. Scots visiting Japan need to be very careful when greeting folk or the intended friendliness might be lost.”

Shopping around

AGAIN we caution against relationship advice from a Glasgow bar, but a reader tells us the young chap in his local was claiming: “Don’t look to meet women in bars, go to Silverburn shopping centre instead. The ratio is ten women to every man, and they are already looking for things they don’t need.”

He’s a keeper

SPORTS news, and Sunderland keeper Jordan Pickford will become the most expensive keeper in Britain if he signs for Everton with a figure of £30m being bandied about.

However Irish bookies Paddy Power put the signing in perspective by stating: “Pickford’s move to Everton is £18m up front, plus a further £12m based on how successful the club is over next few years.

“So £18m then.”