Bit of a jolt

GOOD to see a new school being built in Kilmarnock, although John Bannerman in Kilmaurs tells us that the speed bumps outside the school have been remade to a lower height. Says John: “I’m told that passengers on the double deckers passing by the school were bashing their heads on the ceiling when it took off, and landed again .”

What Donald did next

NEWS from America where President Donald Trump is celebrating his 71st birthday. A reader there emails us: “I can’t wait for him to replace himself with a younger, hotter version of himself.”

Alice’s head start

VETERAN American rocker Alice Cooper is reforming his band from the seventies for his new tour which comes to Glasgow in November.

I recall a Herald review from years ago at the Barrowland where the reviewer watched “a skimpily clad nurse place Alice’s guillotined head on to the body of Frankenstein’s corpse and pulled the switch. And, yea, low and behold, Alice was back in one piece. “

He then added: “As for the music? Who cares?”

Banding together

FOLK are still talking about the hard-line DUP meeting Theresa May in Downing Street. Says John Mulholland: “There was no champagne reception however when DUP leader Arlene Foster met Theresa. The Prime Minister had been advised not to bring out the flutes.

Hazard a guess

WE don’t know whether it’s because of the current political situation, but Norman Ferguson notes that Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh is advertising for a full-time Profesor Risks Hazards and Uncertainty. “Good timing,” says Norman.

Taking a rise

ANDREW Flanagan is resigning as chairman of the Scottish Police Authority after much criticism. When Andrew was chief executive of media company SMG his pay leaped by 59% over four years despite the company losing money.

One shareholder who criticised the pay increase was accountancy lecturer John Cruickshank who actually taught Andrew at Glasgow Uni. “He was one of my students. But I wouldn’t have taught him anything like this,” was John’s memorable comment.

Hard to swallow

SCOTS law firm Wright Johnston and Mackenzie have hired young lawyer Miranda Cannibal. Unkindly we are reminded of nominative determinism - the hypothesis that people gravitate towards work that fits their names.

Taking the needle

THINGS you did at school but never since. Says Arthur Maxwell in Prestwick: “Around 75 years ago I was at Kilmarnock Academy and the boys in our class were forced to learn knitting. We knitted squares of different colours and these were joined together to form blankets for the troops. I will never forget the ‘in over through and off’ instruction but have never put it to use since.”

Being a bit lippy

WE needed something to cheer us up yesterday. A colleague tried by coming over and telling us: “Just paid my last respects at a ventriloquist’s funeral. I was particularly moved when we sang the hymn ‘All Kings Gright And Geautikal’.”