Raintown

FANS of the US rock band Green Day were heartbroken when the group’s Bellahouston gig yesterday was cancelled at short notice due to “adverse weather conditions”. Some had travelled long distances, while others had passed up the chance to travel abroad in order to attend the gig. One irate fan spoke for many with a terse tweet: “It’s Rain, no’ a ------- monsoon in the Amazon rainforest”. Prize for the most lyrical response, however, goes to the fan whose simple lament read: “Mosspark Boulevard of Broken Dreams”.

Daze of the week

READER Tom Law still isn’t sure whether it was his pronunciation that was at fault, or the other person’s hearing. He dialled a number and announced to the person at the other end that he was returning a call from a company on Friday, and was taken aback to be greeted by his new name - Mr Colin Friday.

Wish you weren’t here

ONLY in Ayrshire. Gerry Minnery reports seeing a scarecrow-type figure seated at the roadside in Galston. It’s holding a hand-written sign that reads: “Wife said sex on holiday is better - she could’ve sent me a nicer postcard”.

Ferry strange

THE story about the Irish concierge reminds Richard Fowler of the day he and his brother took the ferry from Stranraer to Larne. They were standing by the rail and fell into conversation with an Irishman. Richard asked how far it was from Stranraer to Larne. “I don’t know,” said the Irishman, “but from Larne to Stranraer is 35 miles”.

“Well, surely,” Richard reasoned, “if Larne to Stranraer is 35 miles, it must be 35 miles from Larne to Stranraer.”“Not necessarily,” replied the Irishman. “After all, it’s only seven days from Christmas to New Year, but it’s 358 from New Year to Christmas”.

Nowhere, man

AND a possibly apocryphal tale from Kenneth Morin, about a Scottish rugby team touring Ireland and travelling by train for a game against a provincial team. At their destination they got off the train, only to find themselves surrounded by fields, with no village or town in sight. “Where’s the town?”, the team manager asked the station manager. “Sure it’s about two miles down that road and over the hill”, he replied.

“Well, that’s not very convenient”, the team manager said. “I’d have thought they might have built the station nearer the town”.

To which the station manager replied, “We thought it better to build the station near the railway line”.

Art for art’s sake

DEEDEE Cuddihy, Our Woman in the Art Galleries, says the venerable Compass Gallery in Glasgow’s West Regent Street has mounted its annual New Generation exhibition, which runs until July 13. The show includes a hanging sculpture made from hand-crafted charcoal sticks and a box of replica museum artefacts created through the magic of 3D printing - a technique which even gallery owner, Jill Gerber, admits she can’t quite get her head around.

You know you’re getting old

WHEN ... You say you’re not tired when your wife suggests an ‘early night’ (John Mulholland)

... the purchase price of your new car is three times the cost of your first house (Malcolm Boyd)

Ken Smith is back tomorrow. Many thanks to everyone who contributed over the last two weeks.