Hard to swallow

VERBAL misunderstandings continued, as Brian Johnston in Torrance says: “When I worked for the NHS, another staff member swore blind that a young doctor, not conversant with the local dialect, asked a patient if he was on any drugs or medication. On hearing the chap’s reply, he then spent some time looking through pharmaceutical directories for information on the drug ‘Amaframol’.”

Using his loaf

IN a west end deli, diary reader Deedee Cuddihy noted that the bread on display looked decidedly ‘well-fired’, to put it mildly. “Have you got a loaf that’s not burnt?” she asked an assistant who replied, somewhat haughtily: “Those aren’t burnt loaves - they’re artisan.”

The reign in Spain

AN Ayrshire reader phones to tell us that the Queen is taking the King of Spain out on a trip on a glass-bottomed boat as part of his State Visit to Britain.

We can’t stop ourselves from asking why, only to be told: “It’s to show him the Spanish Armada.”

Election worries

WORRYING thought from Bruce Skivington who claims: “You do realise that Donald Trump, as a property owner in Scotland and with Scottish citizenship through his mother, could vote here and stand for election. He could end up as First Minister.”

Bum note

TALKING of the Trumps, session musician Guy Pratt, bass guitarist to many rock legends, is doing a show at the Edinburgh Fringe when he will play music and tell a few funny stories. Anyway he was touring with Pink Floyd recently in America when DT’s son Eric, who was in the crowd, tweeted about how great was the show. Guy replied: “Believe me, we didn’t play a single note for you.”

We’ll give him a plug

A GLASGOW reader swears he was in his local pub the other night where a younger customer told his pals: “My girlfriend says I’m useless at fixing electrical appliances.

“Well she’s in for a shock.”

Never can say goodbye

SO RADIO Scotland’s boss Jeff Zycinski is quitting. We recall all those years ago when he took over and wanted programmes to be more appealing to younger listeners. Immediately Gary Robertson had an on-air chat about singer Michael Jackson, but the effect was perhaps spoiled by the first caller announcing after a couple of minutes: “I’ll have to go now, Gary, that’s my home help arrived.”

Not plain sailing

AND was it not former broadcaster Tom Morton who told of Jeff crossing the bridge to Pacific Quay with a BBC Big-wig from down south who looked down into the Clyde and declared: “There’s a dolphin! And there’s a swan going towards it !”

Jeff confided to Tom that the dolphin was actually a bit of wood and the swan was a plastic bag.

It’s being so cheery

NOT everyone’s an optimist in Glasgow. A Shawlands reader heard a young woman on his bus yesterday tell her pal: “I swear I can make just about anything happen simply by hoping it won’t.”

Wooden response

TODAY’S piece of daftness comes from a Renfrewshire reader who emails: “When I was young my parents used to make me walk the plank.

“You see, we couldn’t afford a dog.”