Wooly thinking

A READER back from his holidays tells us he was in a very hot Spain where a family from Glasgow were beside him at the pool. The mother was slapping sunblock on the red-haired and white son when the anxious granny with them asked if she was sure the cream had a high enough sun-screen factor.

The mother replied: “Don’t worry mum. It’s so strong that when you squeeze the tube a jumper comes out.”

Spell it out

AS the new intake of students prepare to head off to university soon, a former Glasgow Yoonie student tells us of a group of students years ago getting together for a drink when one of them who had disappeared for a while told his pals: “You’ll never guess what I wrote on the toilet wall.”

One of his pals was sober enough to tell him: “We left the Union half-an-hour ago ya eedjit. We’re back in my flat.”

Pitching in

RANGERS fans unhappy with the defeat on Saturday remind David Miller in Milngavie of the old Lex McLean story. Says David: “Fed up watching The Rangers, Lex went to the Fifty Pitches and saw a rare game. Who’s playing, he asked. ‘The Masonic Lodge against the Knights of St Columba’, he was told. ‘What’s the score?’ asked Lex. ‘It’s a secret’.”

Don’t sweat it

A HILLHEAD reader tells us: “My girlfriend phoned to cancel her gym membership as she never used it, but was told on the phone she would have to come down in person to cancel.

“She then was very embarrassed as she had to ask them where exactly they were.”

Making her blush

IT’S great that Glasgow is such a multi-cultural city these days but sometimes acceptable social behaviour can vary. A Strathbungo reader tells us: “I was in a big department store having my make-up checked by one of the staff at the beauty counter.

“She was from Hong Kong and was perhaps a bit more outspoken than we are used to as she looked at my face and declared: “You fat face! You need blusher! Blusher for fat face.”

Going round in circles

WE liked Glasgow comedian Susan Calman’s reaction to going on this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. “I haven’t worn heels or a dress since I was 17. Haven’t danced with a man in over a decade. Strictly, I’m ready.”

That’s a relief

THE Herald’s archive picture of the re-enactment of the Relief of Lucknow rang a bell with Mary Clark who says: “Any readers of my years - late seventies- who were taught in even the smallest Scottish school , will remember the picture of Jessie Brown standing on the ramparts amid the dead and wounded of Lucknow shouting ‘Can ye no hear them? It’s the Highlanders! The Campbells are coming!’

“The date Lucknow was being relieved has faded into the mists of time , but Jessie and ‘The pipes, the pipes!’ will be with me for ever.”

Gets a kick out of it

A READER who watched some kickboxing on an obscure sports channel phones to ask us: “Why did they stop at boxing? Kickbowls and Kicksnooker would get a great audience.”

Talking bull

“I TRIED to buy a bull terrier, but nobody could sell me one,” a colleague comes over to tell me.

I wait. “You can’t get the staff these days,” he adds.