Lost for words

OUR great sports writer, the late lamented Ian Archer, is mentioned in Richard Kelly’s just published book on two great footballers, entitled Keegan and Dalglish. He mentions the taciturn Kenny Dalglish coming out the dressing room after a Scotland game and being asked by Daily Express sports reporter Norman Giller what he thought of the poor pitch conditions. “Nae comment,” said Kenny.

Ian Archer, standing nearby, said to Norman: “Well done.” Then added: “You got two words out of him, which is a record.”

Paws for thought

SOMEONE said it was National Tell A Joke Day yesterday. Dave comes up with: “My email password has been hacked again. That’s the third time now I’ve had to rename my cat.”

Write answer

OUR story about people commenting on left-handers reminds Margaret Thomson in Milngavie: “When purchases were made by hand-written cheques, my left-handed brother-in-law bought shirts in one of Glasgow’s better emporia. ‘Do you always hold a pen like that?’ asked the mesmerised saleslady.

“Heading for the door, he replied, ‘Only when I’m forging cheques’.”

Book rings a bell

AUTHOR Andrew O’Hagan at the Edinburgh Book Festival yesterday said his later father was joking with him right up to his death. Said Andrew: “He said I had lied on Radio 4. ‘You told them we had no books in our house when you were growing up. That isnae true. There was one. It was green. It sat on top of the fridge.’

“‘That was the Kilmarnock Telephone Directory,’ I said. ‘It doesn’t count’.”

Nailed it

THE popular Bag O’ Nails pub on Dumbarton Road in Partick was named as Independent Bar of the Year in the Dram magazine’s Scottish Bar and Pub Awards. Owner Mark Lappin, a music fan, tells me it was named after the first club in Britain that Jimi Hendrix played at, thus denying a Partick rumour I heard that it was named after the looks of the drinkers when the pub was previously the rather feisty Partick Tavern.

Talking mince

ANOTHER winner at the awards was the Bier Halle in Glasgow, named Craft Beer Bar of the Year. Owner Colin Barr is a legend in the city’s drinks industry and I recall decades ago, when Colin stepped out of a sports car in a white suit to enter a trendy bar, a chum of mine followed him to the bar to hear Colin’s chat-up lines as he was always seen with beautiful women.

Colin went straight up to the most beautiful blonde inside and merely said: “I had mince for my tea - what did you have?”

Don’t mind it

EDINBURGH Festival is still going strong, and Tony Cowards, whose show Punderdog is at The Mash House, phones to tell us: “The guy in my local shop asked me if I was free to look after the store for 10 minutes. I told him to mind his own business.”

Making a knight of it

OUR story about the Catholic fraternal organisation, the Knights of St Columba, reminds Jim Scott in Singapore: “My pal in East Kilbride used to use the Knights of St Columba club, in spite of being a season ticket holder at Ibrox, as it was nearer and cheaper than the local pub.

“He was in so often everyone assumed he was a member and let him in. One Friday there was a new guy on the door who asked, ‘What Knights are you in?’ and Jimmy coolly replied, ‘The nights am no oot’ and walked to the bar. “