Glasgow kiss of death

THE death of American comedian Jerry Lewis reminds us of when he and Dean Martin got a knock-back from Glasgow’s City Chambers. The two were appearing at the Glasgow Empire in 1953 and were supposed to call on the Lord Provost for a courtesy visit.

Unfortunately the two stars were delayed by a phone-call from America about a new film and arrived over half-an-hour late. The furious Lord Provost refused to see them, and Dean and Jerry later sent a letter apologising.

You’ll swing for it

THE wet summer has meant the rough at many West of Scotland golf courses has grown enormously. Robin Gilmour says the starter at Western Gailes Golf Club in Ayrshire warned visitors on the first tea: “Now remember Gentlemen, keep out of the rough - especially the Lion rough!”

When asked what the “Lion rough” was he replied: “If you find your ball in it Sir, you’re lying!”

Basking in glory

THE documentary series Ambulance returns to BBC television this week which reminds us of the paramedic who told us they attended an old chap at the side of the road who had suffered a dizzy spell. When they got him in the ambulance he initially refused to remove his long coat, until when he finally did so, it revealed he was wearing a basque and stockings.

Rather embarrassed, he did tell them however: “At least I’m wearing clean underwear.”

Mibbes naw

OUR mention of former footballer Kenny Dalgish being a man of few words reminds John Crawford in Lytham: “I was once at the official opening of a factory in Kilmarnock where Kenny was the Guest of Honour and supposed to be opening it.

“After some time the press who were present said, ‘Are you going to say a few words Kenny?’ He replied, ‘That’ll be right’.”

Curse of the workers

THE world of Glasgow pub conversations, continued. A reader heard a chap in a pub last Friday tell his colleagues: “I’m a workaholic.”

Someone further up the bar asked: “What did he say?” and someone piped up: “Something about him drinking Workahol.”

Easily Trumped

WE worry about readers in America, and contact one who tells us: “I used to sit watching movies and TV shows saying to myself, ‘Nobody can be that stupid,’ but now with Trump as President, I say, ‘Well I suppose they can’.”

Tried his best

THE sad death of former rugby internationalist Graham Hogg from Hawick, who played for Boroughmuir, reminds Norrie Rowan: “When Graham got onto the pitch against Wales Alistair Cranston shouted to Jim Renwick, Graham’s cousin, ‘That’s seven Hawick men on the park now.’ At Graham’s first touch of the ball it bounced between his legs and Gerald Davies ran round and scored. Jim shouted over to Alistair, ‘Naw it’s six and one Boroughmuir b******’.”

Did you clock that?

A NUMBER of readers felt the need to email us after the stopping of Big Ben’s bongs in London yesterday to tell us: “Big Ben fell silent for four years after midday today due to essential maintenance. They’ll be working round the clock...”

And Simon Price commented: “The crowd watching Big Ben at Westminster was bizarre. The last time so many English people gathered to watch something NOT happen, Roy Hodgson was manager of England.”