Fruity reply

MALCOLM Boyd in Milngavie tells of taking a drive along the Clyde Valley and stopping at one of the garden centres for morning coffee. Says Malcolm: "I asked the waitress if the caramel shortcake was low calorie. 'Of course,' she replied, then added encouragingly, 'and the lemon drizzle cake could be one of your five-a-day portions of fruit'."

Just a passenger

WE'VE rung the bell on our bus stories, but Stuart Russell jumps breathlessly aboard with: "As a callow youth of about 14 I was sitting on the bus on a platonic trip into town with a girl I was keen on – the things we do. The bus was busy and, as it approached a stop, my companion shifted in her seat. 'Are you getting off?' asked one of the standing passengers. 'No, we're just good friends,' she said. Cue dejection, and a right beamer."

Curtains for Mugabe

NEWS that Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe is under house arrest reminds us of a rumour years ago that he had bought a flat in Edinburgh's douce Drumsheugh Gardens in the city's west end. Two Edinburgh ladies were strolling along the gardens when one of them pointed out a first-floor flat with green curtains and repeated the tale that it was owned by the dictator.

"It's a disgrace," said her pal, which was a surprise as she was not known for her strong political views. But then she added: "Imagine having the curtains closed at two in the afternoon."

Monster bet

THE daft news story that there have been eight sightings of a Loch Ness Monster this year has led to betting company Betway slashing its odds on official confirmation of a monster in the loch from 5000/1 to 500/1. We've had a look at the Betway site, and that means there is now a bigger chance, says Betway, of the Loch Ness Monster existing than of royals William and Kate naming their third child Wayne or New Zealand winning next year's World Cup.

Having a scrap

ANDY Cameron's story about folk on the bus to Castlemilk claiming their names were Marilyn Monroe or Rock Hudson when they have no money for a ticket reminds Jack Minnock: "A scrapyard owner I knew at the time had to keep a record of the name and address of the sellers of scrap. The police were reviewing the book, and the sergeant, after shaking his head, said with a sigh, 'I've never realised there were so many Whites, Blacks and Browns living in the Falkirk area."

What?

A READER in Pollokshaws passes on the thought: "Could it not be that men are much better at keeping secrets than women simply because they weren't really listening in the first place?"

No ball games

AFTER our story about the attempts to force a shop on Lewis to close on Sundays, former MP Dennis Canavan tells us: "In my youth, the SFA also banned Sunday football. When I was a student, I played on Saturdays and Wednesdays for Edinburgh University, a full member of the SFA. If the SFA bigwigs had found out that I also played Sunday amateur league football for a team called Dunfermline Celtic, they could have banned me from playing for the university, so in the 1960s Sabbatarian influence was not confined to shopping in Stornaway."

Which makes us wonder, any readers out there got some daft memories of playing amateur, or even BB, football?

Very Chic

WE wanted to finish our GP stories, so who better to do so than the great man himself, Chic Murray, says reader Patricia Watson: "Chic's doctor story went something like this, in full deadpan Chic mode, a patient visiting his doctor reeled off a lengthy list of symptoms. The weary doctor asked, 'Have you had it before?'. 'Yes,' replied the man. 'Well you've got it again,' said the doctor."