Engaging news
AH yes, Prince Harry's engagement. As a reader wisely explains: "The only reaction from most people in Scotland was the question, 'Will there be a bank holiday on the day he gets married?' And someone down south phones to tell us: "The good news for Harry and his girlfriend is that if they buy a home worth less than £300,000 in London, they'll pay no stamp duty."
Blame the government
AND a more brittle response from stand-up Joe Heenan who says: "I hear people saying that the Royal Wedding is a Government ploy to distract us from Brexit. Aye mate, I'll be too busy putting up bunting to remember how rubbish our country is. Shut up."
Hard to swallow
THE other celebrity news was the continuing saga of former Scottish Labour leader Kezia Dugdale enduring the humiliations on the Australian-based I'm A Celebrity TV show. As Alex Aitchison put it: "'I'm disappointed that Kezia Dugdale didn't finish her animal anus and penis cocktails' is not something I would have anticipated thinking this year."
A bit of a turn
AMATEUR fitba' continued. Eric Arbuckle in Largs reminisced: "I was playing in Hamilton against a church team when I employed a Cruyff turn and left my marker stranded. After releasing the ball to a team-mate I am surveying the move's progress when I am almost floored by the player I beat who informs me that if I 'go by him' like that again, he'll break my ******* leg. I spend the rest of the game looking over my shoulder and shortly afterwards changed my Saturday sport to rugby."
And Murray MacMillan confirms that amateur footballers were not always the healthiest of individuals. "On our way home from an away game we consoled ourselves by stopping at a chip shop. Our rather portly centre-forward ordered a fish supper and was asked, 'Anything on it?' 'Aye,' he replied, 'A pie'."
Dust-up
A GLASGOW reader, on seeing our stories about housekeeping, confesses: "I don't mind Hoovering - but if the cord doesn't reach the end of a room, I'm not make a special trip to reach the spot."
Mum's the word
OUR nativity play yarns remind a Kilmarnock reader: "Our five-year-old grandson came home from school and announced that he was to be Joseph, Jesus's daddy. Then he asked, 'Mum, what does it feel like to be Jesus's Nana?'"
Bit of a whine
THE Herald news story about the Glasgow teacher who was drunk at school brings to mind of course the classic yarn of the teacher being given a box at Christmas with a present in it. The box was leaking so the teacher drew her finger along the bottom, licked it, and asked, 'White wine?' Replied the youngster, 'No miss, a puppy."
Have a break
THINKING about the Christmas decorations yet? A Hyndland reader explains to us: "I like to put up the decorations in stages. I'm at the stage where I sit on the couch eating a Kit-Kat and staring at the boxes."
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