I do eclair
STRESSFUL time of year of course. Matt Vallance in Ayrshire passes on the drama of a fellow Ayrshireman who revealed on social media: "Some guy in Gregg's in Cumnock moaning about his sausage roll being 'stane caul'. Handed it back to the woman to feel it through the paper bag, and she's like, 'Aye it will be stane caul - that's yer eclair'."
Monkeying around
OUR tale about the church official slipping a funny into the minutes reminds lawyer Brian Chrystal in Edinburgh: "Diligently but tediously checking the title to a flat in Marchmont years ago, I realised another menial in a law firm had been similarly bored as among the usual list of creatures which were not to be kept on the premises was orangutans. Since the flat had been through several owners since then, it was evident that either no one had noticed or orangutans were still seen as a real threat up that stair. If any Marchmont readers care to check their titles, it may be there yet."
Not sneezed at
CONGRATULATIONS to Glasgow actor Joe McFadden on winning Strictly Come Dancing. His fellow finalist Debbie McGee, widow of magician Paul Daniels, lost some support as she had been trained in ballet in her youth, but as Julia Taylor memorably defended her: "People moaning that 59-year-old Debbie McGee used to be a ballerina - when I was younger I could do handstands and sneeze without weeing."
Cutting remark
IAN Lyell in Ayrshire reads in the community newspaper The Echo that Mauchline Community Action Group has abandoned plans to take over the local Beechgrove Park from the council because of a lack of funds. The group told The Echo: "Maybe sometime in the future, and given more favourable circumcises, this project can be revisited." Surely not another example of council cuts, wonders Ian.
Key to success
GLASGOW SNP councillor Mhairi Hunter struggles to be sympathetic when a London-based newspaper carries a story about former Ukip leader Nigel Farage which is headlined "I'm 53, separated and skint". Says Mhairi: "I hope he comes back from the pub and his key breaks in the lock and half of it gets stuck there and he spends ages trying to get it out. Eventually he gives up, sleeps in his car, phones a locksmith first thing, and when the locksmith arrives, he's Polish."
Just the ticket
OUR story about older men cracking jokes reminds Ian Young: "Returning from a Christmas shopping trip in Glasgow, and waiting to board the Campsie Glen bus at Buchanan Street, there was a very attractive and young-looking blonde woman in front of me who, much to the surprise of those around her, pulled out a bus pass for her trip to Lennoxtown. Quick as a flash the wag behind me called out, 'Haw Mary, that you stolen your Maw's bus pass again?' Collapse of all around."
Groomed for failure
A GLASGOW reader swears to us that when marriages were being discussed in the local pub the other night, one toper claimed: "The wife's never forgiven me for a slip of the tongue at our wedding when I said, 'You'll do' instead of 'I do'."
Snap
AN AYRSHIRE golfer tells us a chap in his club, when the money being made with the online currency Bitcoin was being discussed, declared: "I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat, in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is."
Capital reply
OUR gag about the word with three U's in it, reminds a reader: "At a Christmas quiz night I was at, the question 'What African capital city has three E's in the name?' confounded all of us. Eventually the quizmaster told us it was the capital of Libya - Tripoli. Doh!"
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here