The ties that bind

SHOP assistant banter, continued. Says John Mathieson: "Last year an English friend was accompanying me to a Burns Supper, and in a show of solidarity decided to wear an item of Scottish clothing. He drew the line at wearing a kilt. He went into a gents' outfitters in north Northumberland and asked the assistant, 'Do you have any Scottish ties?' and the assistant replied, 'Yes, I've got an auntie in Auchtermuchty'."

On the lash

WELL done to Scottish stand-up and presenter Susan Calman putting on such a spirited performance on Strictly Come Dancing. So what is she up to now she is back home in Glasgow? As she told fans on social media yesterday: "Me and my cat DCI Jane Tennison spent ages staring at a massive spider lurking beneath a bookcase. Turned out to be a false eyelash from Strictly. In other news I really should wear my glasses more often."

Bit alarming

EVEN fewer folk still working in the country's offices yesterday. As one such worker observed: "Fire alarm just went off in the office so we all went downstairs. It stopped as we were halfway down and everyone sighed frustratedly, which is the most British thing ever because people would rather the building burn down than have to immediately walk back up the stairs."

A blue do

SO Government Minister Damien Green has resigned over his statements about pornographic films found on his work computer. It somehow reminds us of the trial at Glasgow Sheriff Court some years ago of the owner of a city shop being accused of selling obscene films. The jury patiently watched a sample film from the store in the court when at the end the people in the film walked backwards and put their clothes on. Only then did court officials realise that the film had mistakenly been shown backwards.

Going bananas

A READER in Glasgow tells us he heard a chap in his local announce that his wife had banned him from smoking in the house. When asked why, he replied: "She thinks I'm a bad influence. When our wee son was eating a banana he stopped with half-an-inch left in his banana and stubbed it out in an ashtray."

Skirting the issue

WE asked for difficult questions to ask Amazon Echo's electronic Alexa and John Dunlop suggests: "Alexa, why do the Scottish Commonwealth Games team need a new tartan every four years?"

Daylight robbery

DID you notice it was the Winter Solstice yesterday when it was the shortest period of daylight in the year? But as a reader emails us: "Today is the shortest day of the year. Or the longest if you've got to go to a supermarket, visit your In-Laws or attend a kid's party."

Burning question

WE have to admit it, Scots can sometimes come over as a bit abrasive. Our Beckenham Correspondent tells us: "In the local hostelry, one of the more challenging locals stood up and announced to those assembled that he was leaving to watch The Ashes. There wasn't much interest until a Scottish voice echoed across the room that the only ashes that they wanted to watch were his being sprinkled on a river."

Catty remark

READER Paul Hannah had occasion to visit Govan Police Station this week, which was once the home of the fabled Serious Crime Squad. He spotted on the notice board an appeal for information on a missing cat in Govan. "Can't help thinking business is a bit slack," says Paul.