Butter them up

MERRY Christmas to all Diary readers of course, although it was a stressful time for some. A Jordanhill reader tells us she was refused the chance to buy brandy butter in Marks & Spencer at 8.45am when she had set off early for her Christmas food shop as it was 3 per cent proof and subject to licensing restrictions. "So 10 tubs and I'd be wasted," she tells us.

For the drop

CINDERELLA was the big film on Christmas Day although a poll among Radio Times readers put The Muppet Christmas Carol as the top Christmas film with Die Hard in second place. Cue a big debate about whether an action film like Die Hard should be called a Christmas film. Anyway we always liked the story about Alan Rickman, that great English actor playing the Russian baddy in Die Hard. Towards the end of the film he had to look as if he was falling off the building, although in reality he was falling 20ft on to an air bag. In order to get a genuinely terrified look on his face, the director told him he would be dropped on the count of three – and secretly told the stunt folk to drop him on two.

Banking on it

ANYONE doing internet banking over the holiday period? A few will identify with former Glasgow MP Tom Harris's experience. As he explained: "Phone call to TSB online banking, 'I can’t seem to get online access to my new account.' 'Okay, let’s go through some security. Can you tell me how much was paid into the account today?' 'Uh, no, because I can’t get access to my account. 'I’m sorry, you’ve failed security.'"

A blue do

SO the latest Brexit news was the Government confirming we would revert to blue passports once we leave the EU. A reader emails us the explanation: "Reports say that the new blue passport will also have a few pages of sudoku and a wordsearch at the back for you to fill in while waiting in the long non-EU queue at the airport."

Hair-raising

PICTURES of American president Donald Trump with his unwieldy hair reminds Eric Arbuckle in Largs: "I was trying to recall where I had seen it before and then I remembered there used to be a barber shop in Glasgow's New City Road which displayed a bill of fare ,with illustrations, offering ‘Trim’, ‘Short back and Sides’, ‘Crew Cut’ and ‘Windswept’, the latter assuring takers that this would enhance their ‘boyish charm’. That's where Trump got it from."

Boxing clever

JUST before the Christmas break, a reader who works in a Glasgow office tells us: "Folk said to me that I would save money by taking in a packed lunch. Tried it. But by 11 I'd eaten my packed lunch and still had to buy another lunch at one o' clock."

Crusty reply

WE asked what questions to ask Amazon's electronic assistant Alexa, which was a popular present this Christmas. A reader tells us: "Mucking about with it I asked, 'Alexa, make me a sandwich'. She replied, 'OK, you're a sandwich'."

Brotherly love

OK, a cute story for this time of year. A south-side reader tells us his daughter, who already has two sons, had it confirmed that she was pregnant for the third time. Deciding it was time to break the news to her older son, who has just started primary, she asked him: "How would you like to have a new brother?" The young lad looked at his wee brother playing on the carpet and told her: "No, let's just keep Jack."

Managing it

A RANGERS fan, confused by the club's decision to keep caretaker manager Graeme Murty on until the end of the season, phones to ask: "So, if it doesn't work out and they sack Graeme Murty does Graeme still stay on as caretaker manager again?"