Plumber's drama

GLASGOW'S west end summed up beautifully as Rony Bridges, supporter of the Starchild charity for educating kids in Uganda, which is holding a Star Wars-style fundraiser in Netherlee Church Hall on Saturday, tells us: "What a week. Urgently needed a plumber and a tiler, but all too busy so went to a play in the west end. Who is in the audience? Our tiler. Who's in the play? Our plumber!"

Went potty

THE recent shortages of fruit and veg in the supermarkets remind Michael McGeachy of when he was a supermarket manager in Fife and the pineapples were delivered with small sachets of moisture absorption pellets. The store's telephonist asked what they were and was told they were pineapple seeds, so she popped one in a pot and put it on the window sill where she regularly watered it.

Says Michael: "After a few weeks with nothing growing, I cut the top leaves off a pineapple and placed them into the pot, tips protruding from the soil, and she was so excited. Week by week we ensured the leaves grew bigger. We were rumbled when a visitor knocked over the pot which fell on to the floor and a rather sorry looking pineapple top rolled under her desk. I never knew such a polite lady could know so many swear words."

Coming out

OUR mention of student parties reminds David Stubley in Prestwick: "Back in the 1960s we had a party in a flat on Byres Road. At a conservative estimate there were at least 250 people. At midnight the boys in blue arrived and said that due to complaints the party had to finish and they supervised everyone's exit before leaving. Immediately from out of cupboards, under beds and many other devious hiding places emerged more than 60 revellers and the party continued. Where there is a will there is a way."

Nailed it

THE original BBC news flash about that terrible poisoning of the former Russian spy said it had occurred in Sainsbury's and not Salisbury before it was changed. Says Patricia Watson: "It reminds me of when, at the height of The Beatles' fame, the BBC announced on the lunchtime news that Ringo Starr had had his toenails removed. By the six o'clock news the BBC was able to reassure the nation it was his tonsils that he had relinquished."

Bit of a boob

APPRENTICESHIP Week, and Gordon Smith tells us: "Years ago, a MacBrayne's ferry was in dry-dock for an engine overhaul. The chief engineer thought it would be good experience for the apprentice, and the young fellow found an oil leak and asked what they should do. 'Away up the stores an' ask Wullie for a mammary gland' says the chief. Five minutes later the boy returns and reports that 'Wullie wants tae ken if it's a 34B or 36C ye need'. The chief then says, 'Tell 'im it's fur the fallopian tube'. History does not record the outcome."

Egged on

AND our tale about the apprentice boiling the curry in the tea urn reminds a reader: "A colleague popped an egg into the kettle she was boiling for the office morning tea. One of the men discovered this and, grabbing a spoon, fished the egg out of the kettle and threw it into the bin, screaming at her, 'Do you realise where that has been?'"

Chew that

INTERESTING statistic of the week from the folk at the BBC programme QI who tell us: “Chewing gum sales have fallen by 15 per cent in the past 10 years. It’s thought to be because shoppers are too busy on their smartphones to notice the gum next to the checkout.”