Conquering Empires

READERS have been reminiscing about seeing comedian Ken Dodd, who once faced a trial for tax evasion. Says Willie Gibson: "I saw him six years ago at Southport where he informed his very attentive audience that after HMRC introduced tax self assessment, he told a tax official, 'Son, it was me who first introduced self assessment. When I started out in the early 1950s tax was 10 pence in the pound - no one ever told me it had changed'."

And Ken was a regular visitor to Glasgow, often to the Pavilion Theatre. He himself recalled in his biography that when he made his debut at the very challenging Glasgow Empire the manager told him: "No football gags - 'cause we need the seats - and Friday night all English comedians get the bird' - a slow hand clap." Wrote Ken: "So, on the Friday I tottered on to the stage with my shirt hanging out and my hair all over the place, and this man uncoiled himself from the second row, looked up and said, 'Cripes! What a horrible sight!' And that was my first laugh in Glasgow."

Seat yourself

OUR cinema stories moved on to struggling cinemas. Says Kenneth Collins in Giffnock: "At a visit to the Toledo in Muirend, in its last days many years ago, my wife and I discovered that we were the only two customers. The elderly usher looked at us as we entered the auditorium and saw the rows of empty seats, and said, in a deadpan voice, 'Would youse two be wanting to sit together?'"

Nipped in bud

TURNING the usual apprentice stories on their head, Linda FitzGerald in Killin says: "I remember forty-odd years ago my sister, who was a bit prudish, worked for Alexanders Ford Garage in Greenock and drove their spare parts van. One of the mechanics asked her to get him some bleeding nipples for a Cortina. She very indignantly told the boss he was being obscene."

Kept at bay

CLYDEBANK stand-up Kevin Bridges has passed his driving test - 12 years after taking his first lesson. To be fair, his career got very busy so he left driving for a bit. It reminds us of the Herald reader in America who once told us: "When I moved to New Orleans in 1980, I drove to the test centre with my UK licence. Being August, it was 98 degrees fahrenheit with 98% humidity.

"The tester, being at least 25 stone, suggested that I go out to my car, back it out of the parking space and drive it into the one next to it while she looked out the window of the air-conditioned office. And so I passed."

On right track

A LATE arriving train story with Mark Boyle in Johnstone telling us: "During the recent snow, ScotRail blared over the Tannoy at Johnstone that during the rush hour, trains would be up to half an hour late, subject to cancellation at short notice and accommodation inside carriages would be mainly limited to standing room only. I wonder where to send the bouquet thanking them for the improved service?"

Sting in tale

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from comedy writer Sanjeev Kohli who declares: "I successfully cross-bred a female bee and a male moth to create a behemoth. It was smaller than I’d been led to expect."

A bit of a dram

OUR stories about foreign-language films remind Michal Nolan in Wishaw: "I visited a cinema in France where there were English language films for English-speaking immigrants. The latest offering was the Scottish whisky film “La Part des Anges” (“The Angels Share”). It was the original version with French sub-titles. Many of the English speaking community were present plus me the token Scot. I was soon aware of the surreal audience response. There was the immediate lone Scot’s spontaneous laughter, added to by the hesitant laughter of the French. But what was most noticeable was the silence of the many English in the audience who neither understood the ‘version original’ nor the ‘sous-titres’. Shame, it was a good film."