Brotherly love

COMEDIAN and broadcaster Hardeep Singh Kohli, appearing in Falkirk and Nairn next month with his show Alternative, Fact, is of course the brother of Sanjeev Kohli, Still Game's shop-keeper Navid. Hardeep was in Glasgow this week, appearing at St Luke's in the Glasgow Comedy Festival, and he tells us: "Coming back to Glasgow, you realise how much you've missed the chat. As I'm cycling doon the road a young ne'er-do-well shouts or at me, 'Awright Navid!'

"Not one to take my brother's credit, I huff, 'I'm not Naveed,' between puffs as I try to defy gravity up Great George Street. Quick as a flash he has a come back. 'Aye, I know yer no' Navid, but it disnae half piss you off'."

Phantom sale

READER Jim Morrison tells us: "Watching a TV programme about Andrew Loyd Webber, I was reminded of being in the queue to see the Phantom of the Opera in London. A chap was selling programmes, calling out 'Phantom programmes. Phantom programmes'. The theatre-goer in front of us, obviously from Glasgow asked, 'Have ye no' got any real wans son?'"

Tonight's the night

ALARMING fire in Glasgow's city centre yesterday, which destroyed Victoria's nightclub. James Mortimer, the previous owner of Victoria's, once told us that when he opened it, business was slow until after a Scotland game singer Rod Stewart arrived in a Scotland top, sang with the customers, and was eventually poured into a taxi by two barmaids.

Two days later customers were queuing round the block and, as James explained: "Folk thought that Victoria's was too posh for them, but then they reckoned, 'Well if Rod can get drunk there so can we'."

Train of thought

AH yes, public transport. We can sympathise with artist Moose Allain who says: "The old lady sitting near me on this train must have seen some things in her lifetime, have so many amazing tales to tell. Unfortunately, the one she’s been telling for the last half-an-hour isn’t one of them."

Breakfast sting

WE mentioned it was National B&B Day tomorrow, and a reader recalls the late Donald Dewar when first minister, speaking at a dinner where he said he was staying at a B&B where the honey was served at breakfast in a tiny jar. Donald said he couldn't resist using the Chic Murray line to the owner: "I see you keep a bee.''

Strung along

AFTER our story about the late Sir William McAlpine being a collector of railway memorabilia, Greg Beecroft in Skelmorlie tells us he visited Sir William's collection which included a machine used by Great Northern Railway's to measure balls of string. Says Greg: "The railway purchased string for its goods department and was concerned that the balls might be less than the advertised length. The device comprised a hexagonal spindle around which a ball of string could be unwound, with the number of turns recorded on a dial, which gave the length of the string. It says much about the relative value of materials and labour in the Victorian age that it was cost-effective to employ someone to check the railway was not being short-changed on something as cheap as string."

Cheesy reply

OUR tales of misheard food orders remind Russell Duncan of when he ran Duncan's Bar in Brodick. Says Russell: "A gentleman from Yorkshire placed his order which I duly prepared. When I served him he asked me, 'What’s that?' I replied, 'It's what you ordered sir, a Cinzano,' 'No no, I asked for a cheese sarnie', he replied."

Guilty plea

A GLASGOW lawyer swears to us that a potential juror at a Sheriff Court trial said he could not be off his work for the week that the trial was expected to take. The Sheriff asked: "Can't they do without you?" and the juror replied: "Yes, but I don't want them to know that."