Hair-raising

EDINBURGH Council is to restrict the number of visitors climbing the Scott Monument because of overcrowding. It reminds Sybil Wallace: "As a penniless student in the 50s, I treated myself to a climb up the Scott Monument. On the final stage I met a gentleman who was descending, who extended his arm for me to duck under. Unfortunately my hair caught on his trouser button and we were 'locked' together. No, this did not result in a proposal of marriage, but much hilarity."

A bit ropey

JOHN Parker adds to our B&B stories: "In the late 80s Coatbridge teens travelled to Blackpool for the September weekend, and the chance of a hedonistic time. On arrival at the B&B that promised us a beach front view, we were led to a dingy room that was sub-divided with gyproc into ever smaller spaces.

"One safety-minded friend asked where the fire escape was, and was directed to a window with a rope snaking out, tied to a radiator below the window.

The landlady said, 'Be careful boys and girls, one at a time down the rope'."

Pole position

THE argument on how important proper punctuation is was never better summarised than by a reader who gives the eyeball-searing example: "'There's a Maypole dancer' and 'Theresa May, pole dancer'."

Ex marks the spot

A GLASGOW reader swears to us that a young lad in his local bar was telling his pals: "I got a text from the girlfriend saying 'Love you babe xxx' and after I replied 'Love you too' she said it would mean a lot to her if I started putting x's at the end of my texts. So I ended my next text with 'Olivia, Heather, Sophie and Kirsty' and somehow all hell broke loose."

Ringing the changes

A READER from Bearsden emails: "I was telling my son how technology was making his life a lot easier than mine when I was his age, and when he asked for an example I told him that he will never experience the anxiety of calling a girl's phone number and having to ask her dad if she's home."

Corker of a reply

CONVERSING with an audience can be tricky. Irish comedian Andrew Ryan, appearing at The Stand in Glasgow on April 9, tells us that when he performed in Aberdeen he asked the crowd if anyone was from Ireland, and a bloke shouted out: "I am." Says Andrew: "When I asked what part of Ireland he said Cork and Dublin. I told him I'd never met anyone from two places before and asked what city he was born in and he said Glasgow. 'So you’re from Glasgow?’ I said. 'No, Cork and Dublin.' he replied. So I asked,'If you were born in Scotland how are you from Cork and Dublin?' and he said, 'I feel like I’m from there'."

Wing and a prayer

A READER tells us he was playing a guessing game with his four-year-old grandson and started with "It's a big building." He adds: "I got no reply. So then I added, 'Made of bricks'. Still no reply. Then, 'People go here to say their prayers' 'Celtic Park?' asked my grandson."

Sqeeze it in

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from a reader who watched the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants and suggests: "Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side."