Bloody-minded

BUMP into playwright Peter McDougall at Oran Mor's annual Whisky Awards where he tells me that he is writing a play about his hospital visits after a stroke entitled Vampire Clinic - it's to do with all the blood samples they take - which is being staged as part of the venue's Play, A Pie and A Pint series. Says Peter: "I remember talking to Willie McIlvanney once about his stroke and the side effects of taking Warfarin. Willie, being the great wordsmith that he was described it as 'the physical manifestation of boils.' I'm no' the wordsmith Willie was as I just describe it as a rash."

Incidentally Peter, looking very well, was not partaking of whisky at the awards night. As he put it: "I know people swear by whisky for a convivial discourse with friends, but I'm from Greenock - whisky tends to affect folk from there differently."

Armed and dangerous

WE mentioned the chap who accidentally punched himself in the face while trying to pull up his duvet. Says Debbie Meehan: "Reminded me of the time I was woken out of a sound sleep by someone tapping me on the back. Terrified to discover there was no one in the room. Heart racing, tried to go back to sleep, only for the tapping to continue. Realised I’d been sleeping on my arm, which was totally numb and in spasm."

Put foot in it

THE daftness continues. Referring to our story about the chap overcoming his addiction to tig, reader Roddy Young tells us: "I suffered a similar addiction to the hokey cokey - but you'll be glad to hear I'm finally turning myself around."

Radar love

THE centenary of the RAF reminds us of the old Diary yarn we published, goodness, over 20 years ago about the Lothian and Borders Police officer pointing his radar gun at cars, but instead picking up a low-flying RAF jet fighter which it clocked at over 300 mph, but perhaps more worrying, the jet locking on to the radar gun and asking the pilot if it should fire. The force's Chief Constable wrote to tell us that there was no such incident and was in fact technically impossible. I always liked the lofty disdain of then Diarist Tom Shields who apologised by stating: "This differs from the information which the Diary had to hand when we ran the story but we are perfectly willing to accept the Chief Constable's version since he is a very nice man and has a lot of braid on his uniform."

Mommie dearest

A READER in Ayrshire writes: "We occasionally hear stories of over-enthusiastic parents being encouraged to stay away from matches involving their kids, because, they, the parents, get over-excited. At an under-11 game in Ayr last weekend, seeing her son's side go 10 goals behind, one watching mother was heard to encourage her son, 'Don't stop trying just because you are getting heavily beaten'. Her ten-year-old replied, 'Mother, just **** off!'

"That kid could go far in Scottish fitba."

Taking a turn

A READER was musing to us the other day, and we can't but agree: "Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions."

Bit of a fool

YES some of these April Fool's jokes in the media were a tad tedious. But as a reader emails us: "April Fool's Day - a day when people pause to think if that thing they read on the internet is true or not. A skill sorely lacking during the other 364 days of the year."