Feeling no pain

ROSEMARY Clark from Kilbarchan was in the accident and emergency department at Paisley's RAH when she overheard a fellow attendee being asked if he had taken anything for pain relief. "Yes," he replied. "A few cans of lager."

A naggin feeling

THE BAD weather meant the cancellation of the Student Raceday at Leopardstown near Dublin yesterday due to waterlogged conditions, which was such a blow for students who attend the horse racing in their finery, and perhaps drink a little too much. As student Lauren Daly grumpily announced: "So I waxed my moustache and BURNT myself while doing so for NO REASON!" The decision also annoyed Adam Black who said: "Shame! Just open the place – I'm already here with four cans in me, wearing my three-piece suit and ready to rock. Just tell the jockeys to take it easy."

We also had to deconstruct the message from Darah Mulligan who declared: "St Tropez, Sally Hansen, Lynx and all Naggin manufacturers have all announced immediate job losses." So that's fake tan, nail polish, male body spray, and a naggin is a 200ml bottle of spirits in Ireland. So now you know.

Blanket refusal

UNIVERSAL Extras, which provides extras for television and film work, is having an audition in Glasgow a week on Sunday due to the growing number of productions in Scotland. We remember a chum telling us he appeared in a scene in Outlander where he had to stand on a wind-swept hillside alongside other clansmen, a couple of whom were on horses. After standing there in the freezing cold he was delighted to see the director halting filming and dispatching a runner up the hill with blankets. Alas they were immediately put on the horses.

Time flies

WE mentioned getting youngsters to behave at the airport while flying out for the Easter break, and Margaret Thomson tells us: "When my granddaughter was four, we went as a family group to Florida. At Glasgow Airport, we went through all the queues, check in, passport control, body scan, etc, which took over an hour. When we finally emerged into the departure lounge, my granddaughter asked, 'Are we in Florida now?'"

Whatever will be

DID you notice that film and singing veteran Doris Day was 96 this week? Her songs were perhaps a bit too sweet for today's audiences. We recall the organiser of the Christmas ice-skating rink in Glasgow's George Square a few years ago saying she was keen on the skating being a family affair, and if too many teenage lads turned up then they would play Doris Day over the sound system. "It disperses them straightaway," she said.

Named and shamed

A HYNDLAND reader reports a dilemma which many of us face these days. She says: "I wake up saying to myself that I have so much to do and worry that there are not enough hours in the day. A couple of hours later I'm somehow doing a quiz on Facebook to discover what my gangster name would be."

From the heart

SAD to hear of the death of former footballer Ray Wilkins, one of the English stars brought north to play for Rangers in the late eighties. Years later, in 1996, he was asked by a Herald sports journalist if he had any tips for Hearts who were facing Rangers in the Scottish Cup final. "They could board up the goal," was his cheeky reply. Turned out he wasn't off the mark. Hearts went on to lose 5-1.