Picture this

STRESSFUL time, funerals. A reader tells us of a recent Glasgow funeral where a young relative of the deceased stopped the priest before the coffin was being taken into the chapel and said he wanted to place a picture of his late aunty's pet dog on the casket. The priest gently squeezed the chap's arm and told him: "It's a coffin, son - no' a sideboard."

Drink to that

WE bump into Danny Pollitt at the Royal Scottish National Orchestra who tells us: "I’ve been doing a bit or research on previous principal conductors of the SNO. Karl Rankl, who fled Nazi Germany and came to Scotland, was the first conductor of the SNO when it became a full-time professional outfit in 1950. Around the time Karl reflected to a colleague over a drink that, 'Since I've come to live in Glasgow, Sauchihall (emphasising the Sauchie) Street is just one television shop after another.' Another man in the bar said, 'You're no bloody Sassanach. You ought to be able to pronounce it correctly. It's "Sauchihall (emphasising the hall) Street". So Karl bought him a double whisky. The man said, 'Well now you can call it what you like!'"

Open and shut case

GIVING instructions to younger people, continued. Says reader David Rollo: "In our cold and draughty house in East Kilbride many years ago, my sister, aged three, regularly used to leave the sitting room door ajar as she moved around the house. When doing so, she would be reminded to 'shut

the door fully', and normally complied. However the family got a shock one day, when after closing the door as requested, she turned to us, full of fury and said, 'Don't call me a fully!' Still brings a smile to my face."

Have a seat

MANY of us will have experienced this problem when buying something on-line from Amazon. Writes a reader: "Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I'm not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I'll treat myself."

Game for a laugh

FANS of the television series Still Game are still mourning the loss of auld timer Eric who died playing the puggy machine in The Clansman. Jimmy Martin who played Eric tells us: "I was paying a visit to Slater's in Edinburgh where there are photographs of all the celebrities who have shopped for their suits there. And there was a photograph of Eric which is now draped with a black border. Made me laugh."

Making the case

AH the banter of Glasgow drunks. A reader passes on: "In Sauchiehall Street a few days ago there was a guy sitting on the pavement who had too much to drink, but chatting away cheerily to pedestrians. A young chap approached him, with a huge instrument case on his back, carrying what looked like a double bass. The drunk guy immediately greeted him saying, 'Off for a game of snooker then?'"

Paws for thought

Today's piece of daftness comes from Ian Power who declares: "I pulled a French cat lover last night. I impressed her with my chat."

Donkey work

WE mentioned the Daily Telegraph wanting a new sitcom on the telly which backed the Tories, and asked for your suggestions. Today's crop includes:

• Mock the Weak (Maureen Hutchison, Glasgow)

• Only Fools and Horses Pay Income Tax (Eric Arbuckle, Largs)

• Drop the Dead Donkey off at the Nearest Food Bank (Andy Ewan, Dunoon).