Taking your time

WE do love bus drivers. Sue Wade in Ayr was at her local bus station when she heard a passenger ask the driver: "How long to get to Hamilton?" "Ages," he replied.

Dodgy driver

OUR picture of the bike shop offering to print receipts for the amount you told your wife you paid reminds David Miller in Milngavie: "The wife of a fellow golfer agreed to pay for a new rescue club for Christmas. He bought the club , which cost £140. He decided that £70 would be an acceptable compromise and on telling his wife that the club cost £70, was greeted with, 'What? £70 for a golf club!'"

Gift of the gab

AH, the Scottish accent. Donald Grant tells us: "My family and I are down in Hampshire, and while visiting the village pub for lunch, the bar lady confided in me how much she enjoyed hearing a Scottish accent again. She whispered that several years ago she had met a Scot and his accent made her go all weak at the knees every time that she had gone out with him - but she had to give him up. Her answer to my questioning look was not what I had expected, 'My husband found out'."

Legging it

GROWING old continued. A Simshill reader says: "I was walking with a limp, and when my wife asked what was wrong I realised that all that had happened was that I'd woken up from a nap."

And a female Lenzie reader says: "Went to B&Q for some DIY materials. I had to seek help lifting deadweight sheets of MDF, and of course, as a woman, get expert advice on how to put up shelves that will stay up. My realisation that I am getting old came when I decided it was time to stop fluttering my eyelashes and start looking helpless. It worked a treat."

Sunny disposition

A READER sends us a comment from a Norwegian friend who told his pals back home: "I’m in England at the moment. There’s a real buzz here because next week is the entire British summer. I’m going to join in by getting sunburnt on my nose and complaining about having to cut the lawn."

Hanky time

A GLASGOW reader emails: "A colleague has retired after nearly 30 years with our company and the management were making a big thing about how she never took a day off sick. They called her dedicated. We always just called her the woman who kept on giving us all the flu."

That's novel

WE bump into our chum Keith Bruce, The Herald's music critic who explains: "Australian Bronte Hudnott, sub-principal flute at the Scottish Chamber Orchestra, is departing to take up the same role at the BBC Scottish Symphony Orchestra, working alongside its recently-appointed principal flute, Charlotte Ashton.

"Yes, that means the flute desk at the SSO will become Charlotte and Bronte. Even the most admired writer of fiction couldn't make it up, and the orchestra's marketing department is already dreaming up publicity opportunities."

Talk radio

WE asked who controls the radio in the family car, and Tom Law drives down memory lane to tell us: "My favourite crack on this came from a Bilko sketch. Ritzik and wife arguing in the car, 'Why can't we get a car radio?" 'I thought we had one - I just can't turn it off'."