Dr Richard Woolfson deals with your family dilemmas. This week: our son is going on holiday with his friend and his parents - but he still sometimes wets the bed? What can we do?

This week's dilemma: Our nine-year-old son has been invited to go on holiday with his friend and his parents. The family will be staying in a villa in France; they want our son to join them and he wants to go. No problem - except that our son still wets the bed every so often. He is begging us to let him go, saying that he promises he won't wet himself at night. But he can't control it, and he'll be humiliated in front of his friend and his friend's family when he has to clean up the bed. What should I do?

Readers' replies

We had a similar problem with our nine-year-old girl going to Brownie camp. I do not think you can let this stop him going on holiday, as it might reduce his confidence if you do. As you know, he cannot control this.

I would suggest talking discreetly to the friend's parents. You could try giving him waterproof pants away with him which he could practise putting on under the covers. I know we were very worried when our daughter went away. It might be useful and encouraging to check out www.enuresis.org.uk.

EL, by e-mail

I used to wet the bed and did so well into my teens. I would suggest that you meet the parents who want to take him with them and explain to them the situation. They just need to be able to deal with it if it happens and to do that they need warning. I would also suggest that you get help for your son. When I was younger I had a buzzer that was on a plastic under-sheet that woke me up when it got wet. The problem is a lot more common than you would think.

EM, by e-mail

I personally don't think you should let him go. Can you imagine what it will be like for your son when it is all round the school playground that he pees himself at night? He'll be a complete laughing stock - they will all snigger about him behind his back and some of the bigger lads might take this as their cue to bully him. Is that what you really want him to go through, all for the sake of a few days' holiday? Once you put it to him like this, your nine-year-old will not want to go.

KA, by e-mail

The parent doctor's reply

Is your son receiving professional help for his difficulty? Although enuresis (bed-wetting) often clears up as a child grows older, it usually clears up more quickly with help from professionals. Speak to your family doctor and have a look at the website suggested by EL. The decision whether or not to let him go on holiday with his friend's family is a tough one. I was heartened by the encouraging letters from EL and EM, both of whom think you should be honest and open about his difficulty so that his hosts are fully aware of the challenge he faces. There is also is the potential negative impact on your nine-year-old's self-esteem if you don't give him permission. And then I read KA's pessimistic prediction of school bullying, peer teasing and endless taunts in the playground, which certainly gives an alternative view of the possible outcome.

Explain to your nine-year-old that you will let him go on this proposed trip but only if he allows you to explain to his friend's family about the possibility that he may be wet at nights. Make it absolutely clear that there is no way round this.

Your son must assume that there will be at least one enuretic episode during the time he is away, and that therefore his friend's parents - and his friend too - must be made aware of his difficulty in advance. (The trip might proceed without any incident, but that would be a welcome bonus, not a real expectation.) If your son feels secure enough in his relationship with his friend and family, and if he trusts them enough, he will agree to this pre-holiday disclosure. If he doesn't feel secure enough, he will refuse. I think that has to be your son's choice. Whatever decision he makes, you'll be there to support him as best you can.

Next week's dilemma

I am struggling with the psychology of breast-feeding my baby, who is only two months old. I was told I should feed on demand in order for him to get enough milk, but the problem is that one feed runs into another. I am drained and exhausted. My baby is thriving - but I'm not! When will it be acceptable to get more of a schedule into his feeding? The thought of this going on for months depresses me.

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