It's been a shocker of a week for Alex Salmond.

It all came about after the FM gave an interview with GQ magazine almost six weeks ago to former Labour spin doctor Alistair Campbell.

Loading article content

Clearly Campbell whipped out his bagpipes and seduced the FM while he was giddy with hunger pangs. It's a Project Fear international job, why can't anyone else see that?

Salmond's been hit with the oldest trick in the book, up there with The Great Escape moment, when Flight Lieutenant Andy McDonald (Gordon Jackson) falls for the same ruse he warned all his fellow POWs about and responds to a Gestapo agent by saying 'thanks' in English.

It manifested itself at First Minister's Questions at Holyrood. You could hear the resonance and timbre of Salmond's commanding voice weaken.

They should just come clean and admit it's all down to this diet and let him eat normally again.

Who put the gaffe into gaffer? Wee Alex did…lack of food in his two days when he starves himself on the showbiz diet so he'll look good at the Ryder Cup, sorry the referendum, is clearly starting to affect the oxygen getting to his brain. As of now, don't do interviews on hungry days.

The signs were there that the diet, which involves severe calorie restriction for two non-consecutive days then stuffing your face normally on the others, was causing outbreaks of idiotic behaviour. On normal eating days he would be fine but recently on his diet days he's started to go wobbly.

On one occasion (I'm told) he ripped off his shirt and trousers, revealed his tartan Ys and went pure native, taps aff if you please, before invading Musselburgh race course and stealing and riding off on the favourite in the 2.30 (Root Canal), then starting up a branch of the Vladimir Putin fan club.

Then he proceeded to slag off his nation, more or less saying that Scotland is a nation of drunks. He criticised Scotland's best asset; our big sexy vodka eyes and our love of the swally.

I mean alright, maybe we have a few problems, like pricing and opening hours. Soon we'll be setting the alarm for the middle of the night and sneaking to the boozers at the new SNP opening time: 2am till 6am.

While he was in his local Gaffe Anonymous meeting, none other than Donald Trump, his shredded wheat noggin arch nemesis, bought half of Ayrshire.

Trump is doing what Yeltsin did with Ukraine and the Crimea, he's annexing Ayrshire, already having Aberdeenshire. Trump now owns the top and bottom of Scotland. He intends to turn the central belt into a huge crazy golf course. Watch out Townhead Municipal in Coatbridge, you're next.

In the good old days, the old fat Alex would've batted them all off. Johann Lamont: 'So First Minister, cracking down on democratic dissent, carrying out arbitrary arrests and corruption of the judicial process?'

'I know, what are the Scottish Football Association like these days?' (Uproar on front benches, rattling of wooden desks). 'Thank you…'

When he received the gloating call from Trump: 'Yeah hi old caddy, I'm calling from Turnberry...I just bought it…How do you like them apples Alex? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!' (FX: Evil Hooded Claw type laugh)

Salmond: 'Can you see out of the window? That isn't a flotilla or a welcoming committee, that's the sight of Europe's biggest offshore wind farm being built. Actually, I'm calling it our wind-up farm? How do you like them apples Trumpet?'

Samson lost his strength when they chopped his hair; the FM lost his marbles and sense of reason when they stopped his curries. Just sayin'.

Danny Alexander, the man with the perennial look on his napper that says how did I get here? was at it again this week.

'It's about 40-foot long,' Beaker quipped, 'publicity-shy and lives in my constituency.'

What's that Danny? The big book of broken LibDem promises? He was on a roll…'There is more evidence for the Loch Ness monster than there is for many of the calculations and claims put forward by nationalists to support their case for separation.' Clearly, he's been working with gag man Joe Pasquale.

Can I flag up a few things that may support the case against Alexander and his mates? Don't get me started on Vince 'they were pledges not promises' Cable and the Royal Mail. That went well…for some.

Some key highlights of Lib Dem broken promises: on constitutional reform, Clegg promised 'the biggest shake-up of our democracy since the Great Reform Act of 1832'. In power, he abandoned Lords reform after the Tories refused to back it and failed to deliver reform of the voting system.

On the millionaire tax? Clegg promised 'fairer taxes in tough times' didn't deliver and backed a Tory cut in the top rate of tax which gave 13,000 millionaires a tax cut of £100,000.

The big promise, sorry pledge, the centrepiece, tuition fees? If they got into power, every Lib Dem MP pledged to vote against future tuition fee increases. Once they tasted power they trebled tuition fees to £9,000. In short, the Lib Dems have sold out the country for a bag of magic beans.

More News From Nowhere:

Trump denies Tracey Island plans for Ailsa Craig.

Annoying robot used for comparison website ironically killed by best priced quote for assassin.

Newsnight's Paxman to be replaced by Bake Off presenters Paul Hollywood and Dragon Lady Mary Berry in BBC mash-up.

Michael Portillo is actually a top spy who has train sickness.

UKIP not racist just colour blind says head of Klu Klux Klan, Grand Wizard Rosco P Coltrane.

BBC 'Night of the long Jeremys' hatchet scheme revealed: Paxman gone, Clarkson and Vine next.