Adopts David Attenborough styled BBC Nature Programmed Voice Over…
V/O: It's extremely rare to see this creature so far from home. He's seldom seen on these shores, appears infrequently, even then, it's only when he needs something.
Despite being lord of the manor in Westminster, he isn't too great outside his comfort zone, for example while under pressure in a TV studio. He seems more vulnerable the more he ventures from his own habitat and rarefied ecosystem.
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Unusually for a leader, he prefers to avoid conflict and can easily be outfoxed by more cunning adversaries like Alexanderous Salmondious.
Throughout the centuries, sightings have been as rare as wild haggis. It's quite a difficult creature to describe. There you have it, from the Latin Betterus Togetherus, better known to you and I as Conservative leader and Prime Minister David Cameron.
Strategy is everything in any campaign, whether you're a general in charge of an army or a CEO in charge of a campaign to bring a product to market. The person responsible is in place at the top to drive forward the initiative to achieve the goals.
The Better Together strategy is wrong. Any campaign must start well and build on the good work. It's starting to feel like the second leg of a football game and your opponents have scored seven own goals and keep changing the guy in charge.
Better Together's chief executive Blair McDougall has been almost nonexistent. Alistair Carmichael was brought in because Michael Moore wasn't strong enough. There's claims Alistair Darling has been sidelined as Labour have brought in Jim Murphy and John Reid to toughen it up a bit. Now Cameron has come to Scotland to show who's boss. Thus far it's been half-hearted, whether that's because of complacency or incompetence is anyone's guess.
It amazes me how intelligent, clever, highly educated people struggle at a fundamental level to set goals and get the strategy across. Everything Cameron, Clegg or Miliband (oh bless) do or say seems to have the opposite effect.
Cameron and Osborne issue warnings, as if talking to an infant adopting the 'you'll spend time on the naughty step if you don't do what your told approach'. Sadly, the infant's grown into a difficult, psychotic troubled teenage.
Perhaps that's the problem. They don't understand Scotland's default position, which, as long as I can remember, has been to never do what we are told and challenge everything thrown our way.
Every time George Osborne says a yes vote will kill Scottish banknotes or that mortgages will be up on average, £5000 per annum, despite the horrific consequences for millions of people, we say 'aye right, prove it.'
Think of the amount of rulers (plastic measuring appliances not monarchies) we smashed that we were told were shatterproof? Oh are you? Smash! Oops.
There seems to be something in our DNA that sees a sign saying 'wet paint' and we must touch it, part curiosity, part wind up mostly bravado. The endless health warnings; this is bad for you. Is it? Really? I'll be the judge of that.
When you think about it, we (Scotland) are probably one of the most cantankerous, argumentative and nippy nations in the world to deal with. Even when we're wrong we're right, so how can you reason or negotiate with us? Well I'm afraid you'll have to learn. That should be your strategy.
Not that I'm saying David Cameron was in Scotland for this but…One lunchtime this week I turned off the misery on the radio and stumbled upon a programme on TV called Come Dine With Me. The basic premise, as most viewers know, is that four idiots invite people round for dinner who in turn nose around their house, check out their knicker drawer and play up to camera.
Clearly they are, let's just call them eccentric. As I watched it, I thought this may be the answer. This may be the way we get Salmond and Cameron together on TV. A Come Dine With Me Special. Maybe ask Clegg in to wear the apron and cook, possibly invite Farage as the random idiot.
If it's civilised and organised and kept understated we might get to know more from them as they go around to each other's house and have dinner with each other. It might be the only way we get Cameron to speak to Salmond on TV.
Cameron can't resist jumping aboard what he thinks is a cultural trend or bandwagon. Imagine the awkwardness over dinner? Cameron speaking about the time he was at Cern, '…then I said no, the large Hadron Collider…'
'I actually have met Peter Boson, he of Higgs Boson fame,' pipes up a nervous Alex Salmond 'yes he's a very well dressed, dapper man…I said are you a dedicated follower of fusion?' awkward laugh. That's another TV winner. I'm sick and tired of providing shows.